u/LowKaleidoscope8496

TLDR; My (32F) husband (33M) has fallen out of love after having a baby, can I get him back?

I posted something similar yesterday but ended up only getting the advice that I should leave. I’ve given it a lot of thought and do not want to do that so please help me get him back.

For context, we’ve been together for 10 years. Had no issues before having a baby, never had any arguments or anything. 20 months ago I gave birth via emergency c-section and the baby has been super difficult to say the least, very very fussy, whiny and screaming a lot. I was on mat-leave for 13 months and I don’t think I took a deep breath once.

My husband and I started having spats after the baby was born, and arguments. All coming from me about him not doing enough or doing things wrong, I was at my wits end and in a really bad place.

He told me when baby was 11 months that he was doing bad mentally because of our arguments and that they needed to stop. I stopped them and started lowering my bar on what I needed from him, but he kept getting more distant with me. When I tried talking to him about it he alluded to the fact that his feelings towards me had changed but if I just left it be he thought it would pass. So I did and I did not try to regain mental and physical intimacy against my will.

He’s been getting more and more distant and when I try to plan for the future, moving out of our 1 BD apartment etc, he just shuts the convo down. Before Easter he told me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me and that he was really unhappy in our relationship, so much so that he was crying in his car otw to work etc. He says the arguments we had a year ago put a barrier up in our relationship that he can’t seem to shake.

We’re in therapy since Easter but he can’t really point out anything that’s wrong in our current situation and with me right now, he just says he isn’t feeling it anymore and wants to do a trial separation. What can I do? I take on all of the mental load around baby and try to make his life as easy as possible but that didn’t seem to work. I feel like the trial separation is the beginning of the end and I’m scared to death. All of my life I’ve wanted a nuclear family and I know we’re a good match and have a great thing so i really want it to work. I’m also terrified that I won’t give my son any siblings and that my future ex will take my baby 50% and I’ll be all alone. This is my absolute worst nightmare

TLDR: husband wants to leave 1 year after rough patch with baby, due to not being in love

My (32F) husband (33M) have been together for almost ten years. We have a 20 month old and before he was born we never had even a spat/argument. My husband is super scared of conflict and when my son was a baby he has a lot of health issues causing him to be super fussy so mat-leave was super stressful for me and I maybe expected too much of my partner. He’s wanted kids for many years and I really thought he was up to the task but after maybe 7 months he started to be less and less involved resulting in a lot of frustration from my end and arguments.
10 months ago he told me was not feeling mentally good and the arguments caused him a lot of pain and they needed to stop. I really put effort into not getting irritated with him and we haven’t been in an argument since then. But through these months, he’s checked out more and more. He does the bare minimum with our kid, just to get by, but no planning, no shopping, no researching what he needs etc. We both work full time and I’m on the edge of burning out because I take on all of the responsibility.
Since a year back, my husband has let me know that he’s doing really bad mentally, he’s been crying in his car a lot and turning inward, not talking to me at all about his feelings, the future etc. We live in a small one bedroom apartment because he doesn’t want to commit moving. I thought he was just depressed so I’ve been picking up his slack, but now he’s saying he loves me as a family member but he’s not IN love with me and has developed really mentally unhealthy thoughts around the idea that he doesn’t want to live with someone he’s not in love with for 60 more heads. He wants a trial separation.

His suggestion is we separate each night after our kid goes to bed and then see each other just for family time after pre-school every day and one date night per week to see if we can rekindle.
I have a feeling a trial separation will for sure be the end of everything.

Do you have advice for me to win him back? I’m really confident we are a good match and now that the worst is over with our baby I can see that clearly, he just cannot. Is it possible to fall back in love and is there something I can do? I’ve lost 40 lbs but he’s barely said anything so I don’t think it’s about looks. And he says he hasn’t met someone new.

We’re in therapy since 4 weeks back and he’s saying the relationship is fine, we’re great partners and parents to our kid and he has a good time and likes being with me he just doesn’t feel IT anymore.