u/Longjumping_Gur2660

I feel like I am at my wits and and that I am destroying my life by letting myself feel this way for so long but I don’t know what to do and don’t feel like I can stop it. I despise myself. I don’t want to be perceived by anyone, I hate everything I do and say, I hate the way I act, the way I look, my body, I hate me. I truly do.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in 6th grade. I was raised in a very religious household, and self expression growing up my entire life was extremely limited, whether that be choosing what I do with my room, my hair, what I listen to, what I wear, it was all extremely regulated. I spent most of my life in trouble, often for small things. In high school, I dated a guy for 2 years who would regularly dump me and then get back together with me if I didn’t do what he wanted. Safe to say I spent most of my childhood/teen years in some sort of fight or flight.

Because of those things, I feel like I never truly got to know myself or who I am, and that has made it much harder for me to learn to like myself because I do not know who that person is. I feel like every single thing I do is calculated to somehow appease an external person whether it’s a stranger or someone close to me. I have been in and out of therapy but it’s not something I can afford right now as a full time student.

I fail to implement good ADHD habits to make my life easier, because all of it seems impossible. If I start, I’ll forget, or get too lazy and won’t do it then beat myself up and fall off the horse completely. I frivolously spend money I know I don’t have to spend, and hate myself for it, but keep doing it. I regularly partake in these habits that make this worse but for some reason it feels impossible to dig myself out of.

The worst part of all of this is that doing the work to fix it truly feels impossible. I do not feel like I have the mental bandwidth to do it. I feel like it’s years of work ahead of me and I can barely make it through a day. I cry all the time, and often wonder how I could possibly make it to old age feeling this way. I am starting to become afraid of the path my life is taking and I am still letting it happen and it’s like I’m going to crash but my brakes aren’t working. I want so badly to fix myself and be better and not be this way but putting the effort in feels so impossible that I just.. don’t.

I don’t even know why I’m sharing this, just a human that’s struggling and shouting into the void. I have a problem with letting the people I love see me feel weak or vulnerable when it comes to internal feelings/how I feel about myself so I truly never talk to anyone about this and it’s eating me alive so I’m sharing it with a bunch of internet strangers. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.