u/Local_Tangerine9698

Back in March, I [18F] went on a college trip to NYC and ended up having this vacation romance with a guy [19M] from my school. I had never spoken to him before this, but we connected instantly and spent the entire week together. It genuinely felt like something straight out of a movie, especially compared to the ordinary, mundane life I was used to at home. We walked through the city together, talked for hours, wandered museums together, etc. It was the most romantic experience I’ve ever had.

For context, I’m 18 and I’ve never had a boyfriend before. He’s the first guy who’s ever shown interest in me or given me any attention. When we got back home, we talked for a week over text then went on a date, but the chemistry we initially had just wasn't there anymore. It was extremely awkward and we were both pretty nervous. I have no idea what happened. I guess whatever occurred in NYC just wasn’t meant to exist outside of it. Despite this, I still wanted to give it time to see if we could renew what we had on the trip and because I deeply valued the moments we shared, but clearly he didn’t want to do the same.

After the date, he stopped texting me. Before that, he had been texting me every day, but I deluded myself into thinking he was just busy or something happened to him rather than accepting that he wasn’t interested anymore. I reached out a week later and got a dry response. Two weeks after that, I texted again hoping for at least some sort of closure but he never replied. That was when I completely spiraled and realized it was over.

What’s bothering me the most isn’t even him specifically at this point, it’s my reaction to all of this. I became ridiculously attached in such a short amount of time. After he stopped talking to me, I started to obsessively replay every interaction we had, imagine alternate outcomes, ruminate about what I could've done differently to make him like me more and not leave, and check my phone constantly for an unlikely text from him. What we had only lasted two weeks and I realize it affected me way more than it should have.

Even though this happened two months ago, I still think about him every single day and hour. Part of me still secretly hopes he’ll randomly reach back out someday, even though I know deep down that won’t happen and he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I constantly daydream about scenarios involving us and how things could've gone if he hadn't given up on me so early on.

I also feel a little conflicted since I'm aware of several different factors that led to me reacting this way yet I'm still having difficulty moving on. For one thing, I know being in NYC (a big, exciting environment) made me romanticize every interaction I had with this guy all the more. I think part of my reaction also came from loneliness and finally feeling desired for the first time. I even noticed several traits I didn't like about this guy, but ignored them because I didn’t want to lose the attention I was getting.

I also struggle with depression, anxiety, and OCD, and I think that may have made the obsessive thoughts and rumination worse after it ended. It feels like my mind latched onto the situation and keeps replaying it even when I try to move on.

I don’t have any obvious childhood trauma or reason I can point to, which is part of why I’m confused. I had a stable upbringing and supportive family. That’s why I’m struggling to understand why my reaction was so intense for something so short lived.

Could someone help me come up with some sort of definite reason as to why I'm being this way?

TL;DR: I had a 3-week vacation situationship that felt intense and romantic at the time, but it ended abruptly when he lost interest. I became very emotionally attached very quickly and still struggle months later with obsessive thoughts, rumination, and fixation on what could’ve been. I’m trying to understand the psychological reason for my reaction.

Back in March, I went on a college trip to NYC and ended up having a “vacation romance” with a guy from my school. We connected instantly and spent almost the entire week together. Compared to the mundane, boring life I was used to at home, it genuinely felt like a fairytale. We walked through the city together, saw a Broadway show we both loved, talked for hours, wandered museums and Central Park together, etc. It was the most romantic experience I’ve ever had.

For context, I’m 18 and I’ve never had a boyfriend before. He’s the first guy who’s ever shown interest in me or given me attention.

When we got back home, we went on a date, but the chemistry felt completely different. It was awkward, we were both nervous, and it felt like whatever happened in NYC wasn’t meant to exist outside of it. After the date, he stopped texting me. I reached out after a week and he responded dryly. I waited another two weeks to text him again, and this time he never replied at all.

What’s bothering me most isn’t even him specifically at this point, it’s my reaction to all of this.

I became EXTREMELY emotionally attached in a ridiculously short amount of time. Like genuinely devastated. Obsessively replaying every interaction, blaming myself, imagining alternate outcomes, checking my phone constantly, spiraling over delayed texts, etc. The whole thing lasted maybe 3 weeks total, yet emotionally it affected me way more deeply than it probably should have.

Even though this happened two months ago, I still think about him every single day. Part of me still secretly hopes he’ll randomly reach back out someday, even though logically I know that probably won’t happen. I constantly daydream about imaginary romantic scenarios involving us, like fake conversations, alternate versions of how things could’ve gone, fantasies where we reconnect and things work out differently. Sometimes it feels like I’m more attached to the idea/potential of him than who he actually is.

What confuses me is that I can recognize several things at once:
- I know the NYC environment intensified everything emotionally.
- I know I romanticized the situation heavily.
- I know part of my attachment came from loneliness and finally feeling desired for the first time.
- I even noticed incompatibilities and traits I didn’t really like about him during the date, but ignored them because I didn’t want to lose the attention I was receiving.

What disturbs me most is how unlike myself I became. Before this, I used to judge girls who chased emotionally unavailable men or got overly attached quickly. I was very much “have self respect and move on.” But once I was finally put into their shoes, I suddenly understood how people end up acting like this.

The weird thing is that I don’t really have obvious trauma that would explain this. I don’t have “daddy issues,” I had a stable upbringing, my parents are together, and I wasn’t neglected or abused. That’s why I’m struggling to understand WHY I reacted this intensely.

Can someone help explain to me why I’m like this?

Basically what the title says! Bonus points if it’s written in first person pov. I’ve read some books like this such as the You series by Caroline Kepnes and The Collector by John Fowles, but those have male pov’s and I’m looking for something similar to these but with a female lead.

Looking for book recs where the fmc is obsessed over a guy and does crazy things for him! I would prefer it if the book were written in first person pov, but third is also fine.