u/Leading_Cattle1559

Hi everyone - want to start by saying this seems like a wonderful community for support and advice. And I need it!

So, my (24f) boyfriend (25m) and I have been dating for 2 years and we live together. When I met him, it was like the stars were finally aligned for me - I met the love of my life. He is my person: smart, sweet, handsome, so loving, hilarious, great job and family, the list goes on. He is the sweetest man I have ever met… when he is sober.

I started noticing his drinking patterns early on in the relationship but it wasn’t a concern to me. He (technically we) do not drink during the week, and we go out on the weekends! He, however, takes things to another level. As soon as he has one, he will never stop. I’m talking over a case of beer easily. He can stay up until 7am drinking. I have never actually counted how many, but I would say he can go over 30 drinks during a long night. He completely blacks out, and that’s where the fighting begins.

He turns a switch, and we will get into nasty nasty arguments about my past relationships. He has called me disgusting, embarrassing, etc.. Since the beginning to the relationship this has been happening. Sometimes it’s once a month, sometimes once every other month, but sometimes three times in a 2 week period. It basically depends on his social calendar and when he has an opportunity to black out. He does not remember any of the fights and it is obvious during the fights that he is not there mentally either.

Anyways, his dad wanted him to do 30 days sober before we see them on their family vacation, and my bf will be getting a very generous gift in return. I decided to do it with him to be a supportive girlfriend. We both started on a Sunday, which will time up perfectly with the 30 days being over right before the trip, but quickly, he had a work event that Thursday and he just HAD to drink for that. Then came Saturday, he had a friend in town who he “hasn’t seen in forever” so he had to drink then (stayed up until past 4am and came home blacked out btw). Then he went to a hockey game the following Monday, and he wasn’t going to tell me, but turns out he had two drinks there too. So he is now officially starting 9 days after we originally were supposed to. And he won’t technically make the 30 days sober - by the time vacation comes which is our “end date”, he will be at 25 days, if he makes it. He’s been good after that Monday, so he has been 14 days sober as of today.

Problem one - he is not going to tell his dad about his slip ups and is letting him give him this big gift. His dad is so proud. This makes me extremely extremely upset. I think it is wrong morally and it’s making me sick to my stomach that he’s going to lie to them about something like this. His mom knows about the slips ups, she is super loving and supportive of him so she told me basically how she isn’t going to tell her husband because he’s going to be soooo upset all of vacation, that she thinks her husband is blowing his drinking out of proportion because he still has a stable job and his late nights isn’t effecting anything else in his life. But it’s effecting me!!! But I’m not going to tell her that!!!

Now, time for questions. I understand that my boyfriend has a drinking issue. The question is, where is the line? He doesn’t drink on the weekdays unless he is going to a happy hour, and only does this blackout thing when he is out. I know this level of blacking out is not normal, but it hasn’t affected other parts of his life such as his job or his activity level. It has affected our relationship though. I am literally scarred from football season, so much so that every single time even the mention of football comes up I get viscerally upset and extremely angry inside. For background, we went to rival colleges, and when he drinks he will obliterate me with comments trying to put me down and embarrass me for going there. He has a very obvious problem with my dating history as this ties into the college football thing - it’s like an excuse to bring me down for my past. In the mornings after blackouts like this, he apologizes and says how he is just insecure, how he will slow down on the drinking, and how I don’t deserve to be treated like this.

Is there f*cking hope for us? I’m starting to spiral heavy after this failure of the 30 days sober. He refused to talk about it with me and shuts down as soon as I bring it up. He doesn’t think he has an issue at all. He thinks everyone is overreacting. My dad has made several, several comments about his drinking abilities to me too. Where is the line? What do I do? Should I start writing down how many drinks he has and our fights?

Sorry this is so long guys. Appreciate any input and all advice is welcome. Wishing everyone here all the love.

Hi everyone - I’ll get right to the point. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years and we live together. When I met him it was like the stars were finally aligned for me - I met the love of my life. He is the sweetest man I have ever met…. When he is sober.

I started noticing his drinking patterns early on but since we were 23/24 I passed it off as typical young people activities. He would always take drinking to the next level, like staying up until 7am next level. Even worse than that, when he would drink he would release another side to him. He will always start fights when he is blacked out and it is always about my past relationships. It is basically to just make me feel bad. When he sobers up the next morning, he tells me how sorry he is, how he is just insecure deep down about my past, and how he will change and will slow it down on the drinking. I would say this flip flops between happening every other month, sometimes once a month, sometimes twice in a weekend. Really just depends on his social calendar.

Anywho, he was suggested to do a 30 day sober challenge by his father. I know his father has some serious concerns about his drinking habits. I decided to do it with him to be a supportive girlfriend. We both started on a Sunday, but quickly, he has a work event and he just HAD to drink for that. Then came Saturday, he had a friend in town who he “hasn’t seen in forever” so he had to drink then (stayed up until 4am and came home blacked out btw). Then he went to a hockey game the following Monday, and he wasn’t going to tell me, but turns out he had two drinks there too. So he is now officially starting 9 days after we originally were supposed to.

The problem with this is, his dad doesn’t know he isn’t going to actually do the 30 days challenge. He thinks he is lined up with me, and once the 30 days comes by for me we are all celebrating. But…. It’s not 30 days for him…. It’s 21 days. This deeply upsets me because his father is planning on giving him a nice gift once he completes it and only if he completes it. And he is going to lie to him about doing it.

The most obvious problem is that it’s starting to become clear to me that he has a drinking issue but it’s hard to say if he is an alcoholic. I do not know if he is thinking about drinking all day because he would never admit to that. And I understand we are young and we have very social lives, so maybe he just doesn’t think his partying is harming anyone. When I bring it up to him, he immediately shuts down and doesn’t talk about it.

So, how do I go about this situation without burning the one person in my life i genuinely could see myself being with forever? What happens if he doesn’t tell his dad? That is a moral issue for me that I just can’t shake the feeling of. And finally, do you guys think this is grounds for being an alcoholic, or is this just typical 25 year old behavior. Thank you and sending all the love!!!!