u/Lavacrystal

Sorry this is a long one.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Recently I have been thinking about the long term with uncertainty, but I was ok with just not knowing yet If I want to marry him. That is until the past 2-3 months. I feel like my judgement has been clouded by behavior I believe is a result of his mother's abuse. (Opinions/feelings don't matter, he needs to spend all free time taking care of the family as the eldest in an Asian home,, etc). It’s created major conflict avoidance because of how much anxiety it causes. I haven't met his mom although she knows we are dating, and he always lies about what he is doing when not home in fear of being kicked out before he is ready financially. I'm fine with her not liking me, but I hate seeing him let everyone walk all over him. Even his boss at work has pointed this out. It's also affected our intimate time (has ed symptoms and won't get help bc "I'm ok as long as you are enjoying it, It's just gonna waste time"). Really any time theres an issue in general, he is so quick to cave/brush things off instead of actually trying to solve the problem.

I have tried making suggestions/voicing my concerns, but It either ends in an argument or him brushing it off. The last straw was finding out that three of his friends were talking about how they want to exclude me from their annual vacation trip because they don’t like me. When confronted, they denied it, one saying “I’m not looking to make new friends right now”. My boyfriend said he thinks I should just get over my feelings about it and go anyway, and started counting down from three to try and make me decide right away. I ended up snapping at him and he apologized, which led to a serious talk about how things need to change. Upon suggestion he said he’d think about seeing a mental or physical health doctor, but that he doesn’t think it will help. I just don’t know how to feel at this point. We barely even hang out in person anymore between our conflicting work schedules and him living a good distance away. Part of me thinks it shouldn’t be this hard and wants to break up, but the other part still cares for him and wants to work things out. Any advice is appreciated.

Sorry this is a long one.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Recently I have been thinking about the long term with uncertainty, but I was ok with just not knowing yet If I want to marry him. That is until the past month or so. I feel like my judgement on this has been clouded by his behavior that I believe is a result of his mother's abuse. (Opinions/feelings don't matter, he needs to spend all free time taking care of the family as the eldest in an Asian home,, etc). We still hang out as much as we can, but I haven't met his mom although she knows we are dating, and he always lies about what he is doing when not home in fear of being kicked out before he is ready. I'm fine with her not liking me, but I hate seeing him let his mother, friends, etc walk all over him. Even his boss at work has pointed out how he has little regard for his own feelings and is doing too much for others. It's also affected our intimate time (has ed symptoms and won't get help bc "I'm ok as long as you are enjoying it, It's just gonna waste time trying to figure out whats wrong"). Really any tine we have an issue in general, he is so quick to cave/brush things off instead of actually trying to solve the problem.

I have tried making suggestions/voicing my concerns, but It either ends in an argument or him brushing it off. The last straw was being told by one of our friends (whom I trust) that three of his friends were talking about how they don't like me and want to exclude me from their annual vacation trip. When confronted, they denied it for the most part, one simply saying "It's a large group, I don't hate you we aren't all going to be best friends". My boyfriend said he thinks I should just get over my feelings about it and go anyway, but if I decide not to go he won't either. I ended up snapping at him and he apologized profusely, but after calming down we had a serious talk about everything and how I think he needs professional help. He said he doesn't think seeing a mental or physical health doctor will help, but that he will consider it for me.

So i'm left with two dilemmas I guess: I really want to go on the vacation trip but I don't know if it's worth it with the three negative ones. I'd suggest a separate one with just the chill ones but It's already an expensive commitment to do the one trip (accommodations for large group). But the bigger dilemma- None of this matters if I don't want to be with my boyfriend anymore. I can't decide if it's worth staying. Any advice/thoughts are appreciated.