Going back to my old therapist after she flipped over a boundary
So I have been having a spot of trouble and am thinking of coming out to my family (i think im 80 percent wlw). I contacted my old therapist and while I like her style I am a bit nervous now thast she's actually contacted me back to say she does have space available.
The reason I am nervous is because one time I emailed her after a session and she flipped out. For context in my email I simply wrote to say: i felt like you pushed me really hard and i felt cornered, and shut down so bad I couldn't say anything. Next session could we please have more equal footing.
I had emailed her before.
She then told me her clients are not allowed to email her-and not in between sessions just ever. And why hadn't I read the agreement and so on. But that was not actually in the agreement. It felt almost accusatory. I wish I could share the email but it wasn't a simple-hey, thanks for the email. Could you table this for next session? I have a standing rule that clients don't email me between sessions. It felt loaded.
I did apologise regardless. But now some of these things are coming up as i get closer to the day of making my appointment (i'm paying out of pocket so I have to pull from my freelance earnings and chase payments first).
The general dynamic I felt was that I was responsible, even beyond this incident, for not crossing boundaries I didn't know. I did share I had transferrence and i suspect that shifted the dynamic?But in hindsight it almost felt like she didn't want me to feel transference, and i started policing my own feelings. Yes, it's a pattern from childhood. I am the adult child of an alcoholic so I often used to try and attune myself to other's emotions or like manage other people's feelings.
I'd love to hear from therapists but anyone with a similar experinece or not or just in therapy I'd appreciate hearing from you too.
I will go back to therapy though. I have made a lot of progress on my own. But like I said I am about to undertake a major disclousre quite late in my life and I feel therapy would support me.