Request for advice - Issues with BiL
Hi all, I am going to try to keep this as vague as possible. It will likely be long. Tl;dr at the end.
I have been with my husband for 11 years and married two. His brother has been a piece of work for a long time, but I am in therapy and I am trying to advocate for myself more.
I have had his kids dumped on me every opportunity that both my BiL and SiL get when I am in town. I love my niblings, but being the only adult to supervise them (especially when they were little and I was in my early 20s) was incredibly frustrating. My husband is always busy with work, so when it came time for family time, it was on my shoulders.
Now that they're older, they are both easier to manage. I love spending time with them. They are not (and never have been) the issue. It is the flippancy which their parents just dropped them on me and either left or took a nap while I managed them. No ask - it just happened.
His brother has been a problem in different ways my husband's whole life. He gets something in his head and will not let it go. He is the type of guy to go in hard on a hobby and then leave it 6 months later. Rinse and repeat. A few years ago, he and his wife started seeing the same councilor, and they have fallen heavy into the manosphere and divine feminine and divine masculine tropes. Barf, imo.
There is a yearly family event that has caused me stress year over year because BiL is always on some bullshit. He is morbidly obese and walks around without his shirt on in a small area with 8 people crammed into it. He farts loudly constantly and no one has said anything to him. He talks about how he is the man and that's how men are. His wife is in the kitchen constantly cooking for him and the kids while he is just sitting on his ass. Last year, she made a comment that my husband needs a better wife because he had an itchy back and I was too busy keeping their kids occupied to scratch his back. Total bullshit, right?
So, the event is coming up again. I said I am not going this year because I am disgusted by this man and I do not want any more passive aggressive comments from his wife. Now I am considering the problem because I am "stirring shit" by saying I don't want to go. My husband has said thay his brother isn't going to change, so what am I trying to accomplish? He's asked me if I have any empathy about the spot this puts him in. How it is going to make it awkward at Christmas in the future because I am bowing out of this instance where I'd be stuck in this small home for a week. I said I would call his parents and say that I am no longer comfortable putting up with how this person is. That was apparently the wrong thing to offer, because now I am causing problems. I countered by saying that I have been put in this position year over year by him, and I've put up with it to the point that I can't anymore.
Am I the problem here? Is there a way that I should be approaching this better? I feel like my husband is going to have some negative feelings to deal with, but I do not understand why I am being looked at as the cause when it is his brother's continued disgusting behaviours that have led to this.
Tl;dr: BiL and SiL are both into manosphere devine feminine/masculine tropes that have devolved into him being disgusting and I told my husband I can no longer be around him. This is now causing issues because my husband feels like I am unnecessarily stirring the pot.