I haven’t spoken to my parents in a long time, and haven’t allowed them to see my daughters in years.
My extended family is upset about it, and most of them have stopped speaking to me.
From their perspective, I’m keeping my eldest daughter away from her loving grandparents out of spite, demanding an impossible standard, and refusing to forgive.
From my perspective, I am holding a firm boundary against what I perceive as emotional abuse.
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Disclaimer: I tried breaking everything up with headers and quotes from text messages to keep everything grounded in what was said. Any curse words quoted below have been censored.
TW: racism and emotional abuse.
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The beginning of the end started with a:
How Was Work?
I called my parents, asked about work, and they went off on one of their tirades about Black people. I hung up and later texted:
>I love you both. I've been reflecting on our conversation and how your use of the N-word and other comments about Black people hating White people and being the "real racists" made me feel. I've decided I no longer want to participate in these types of conversations with either of you. If the topic should arise going forward, I will exclude myself.
Mom responded:
>I dislike the hypocrisy. Is ok to call someone, Hill Billy, red neck or cracker but not N***r! When blacks are the one calling white mail blue eye devil and other demeaning words... It will be impossible to get this country back to the way it was before! What a shame. Lord have mercy on us!!!
I said:
>Fair enough. Let's all raise our standards and not demean any groups of people with our words when we speak to each other.
She replied:
>I can not believe that I cannot have a conversation with my child over what's happening in my life. It sucks that communism has hit my world. Yet again.
Context: She was born in a communist country.
The Package Incident
A month later, a package arrived for my daughters (then, 9 and 7). I texted parents to thank them, noting we'd wait until next Thursday, when our youngest daughter (my stepdaughter) would be home, so they could open it together. My Mom responded:
>I don't understand why you are so mean to [Eldest]... I guess she does not matter. Is only [Youngest]. Poor [Oldest]. What. F*** up childhood! Abuse is all she knows. Last on the list. Like usual. Not even a bed.
I waited until morning and said I would no longer accept their false accusations of abuse or cursing at me.
My Mom responded with this lovely rant:
>You treat [Eldest] worse than any mother I have ever seen. You put your woman's needs first instead of your only child. I cannot believe the life my granddaughter has is full neglectfulness, is abusive and sad to say the least. Washing clothes at that age, making cold lunches to school, cleaning, cooking taking care of her self like a Teenager, she has to take care of her medication herself, while watching her mom braide [Husband's] hair. ... Ring worm??? Are you kidding me??? you don't want to use bleach because of the fumes. Lol. [Husband] has the worse fumes I have ever smelled!!!!! a stinky, lazy man, with no f***ing talent. ... You are almost 40 years old and unstable no home, no balance in your life. [Eldest] has been to more schools than I can count. You are my worst disappointment. ... If you don't let me have a relationship with [Eldest]. You are not only out of my life but you will be out of my will and testimony!!!!!. I did not work this hard all my life to leave you a will for you to throw on someone like [Husband]. [Youngest] is the only one that exist in that house of yours. [Eldest] is nothing to you and everything to me. I adore her, even though I will probably lose her too because of you. I just hope she knows that I will always be there no matter what. ... This is the worst toxic relationship I have ever witnessed in my life. I have no regrets when I was your mom.
Cue Flying Mona
My Aunt began bombarding me with manipulative texts, blaming me for the estrangement and claiming my husband was an “evil person” keeping me away. After several days, she dropped this:
>Well, I have a confession and I gotta get it out of my chest. I texted [My Ex]. The day I was mad at you, and I told him that there was something wrong with you. That to investigate to make sure that [Eldest] was taken care of. That your husband was a drug addict, and he was taking you in that path and that he should take full custody of [Eldest] even if we don't see her. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot.What can you expect. I feel terrible and I know that you should feel like you. Wanna strangle me?And you have all the reason to feel this way. I never want this to happen. I realize what a big mistake that will be for [Eldest].
I confirmed with Ex, who offered:
>I assumed your mom got in her ear and wound her up because the thing she’s said were very similar to what you showed me from your mom previously. Your mom also messaged me out of the blue that next day as well saying she needed to talk to me, but that too I ignored...
Cycles of Sabotage
Over the years, I would reach out; they would lash out because I wouldn’t immediately give them full access to my life; I would withdraw; and the cycle would repeat.
We once made it to joint therapy. After just a session or two, they walked out and cut off contact, complaining that the counselor “only listens to you and none of our concerns.”
The next year, I tried again. Mom said she couldn't do therapy because she was starting a strict 15-week job training program. I offered to wait until she finished to coordinate schedules. My Step-dad sent a paragraph rejecting this:
>[My Name] -The decision to allow everything to wait has demonstrated your lack of real need for solutions. It excludes the holidays and the decision is bizarre... If you ever want to experience growth again, break yourself from this victim mentality.
They later walked out on therapy mid-session and didn't reach out for months.
Dropping the Rope
Around the holidays, Mom texted:
>I know we’ve been apart for a long time, and I’ve tried to honor the space you needed. But I want you to always know this: my love for you has never changed... Whenever your heart is ready—if that day ever comes—I’ll be right here, waiting with open arms. Happy Holidays!
I was confused, given that our last contact ended months ago, when they walked out on therapy.
She said:
>We had to walk away for the request of having to continue to apologize. I hope you understand.
I replied, explaining I wanted healing for us, not an apology from her.
She responded with:
>You have never been a disappointment. Those were a response to a situation you created and acted. I have apologize over and over... You just hate us.
I told her I just wanted a mom I could confide in without giving her ammunition to attack me when she was upset (e.g., sharing small parenting details like sleeping arrangements, minor health issues, or my daughters packing their own lunches).
She replied:
>That is the mom you have. We dont get to choose a mom or a daughter. I still don't deserve this. Story book may have a dream mom you desire. This is real
She asked if we could go to a counselor of her choice (my Other Aunt). I agreed, reiterating my one boundary: my therapist had to be there too.
The next day she texted:
>[My Name], Maybe is best to let it be the way it is.
My very last text to her was:
>Do whatever you want, mom.
I haven’t heard from my parents since. AITAH?