u/Lady_Luci_fer

I’ve just seen a post from a scientist with a PhD in hormones (linked for those interested!) and suddenly everything makes so much more sense.

It’s not long now since I’ve been told I may have PMDD by my gynaecologist and I’ve had a really complicated relationship with the idea of OCD because of my ex-partner who has it (I’ve been on here to vent a few times).

I always struggled with his explanations because I felt them so much, but I knew I didn’t have OCD because I don’t relate to the experience of feeling beholden to and distressed by my intrusive thoughts on a *day-to-day* basis.

Now I’m like holyyyy that’s it. I get it because when I’m experiencing it but for shorter periods of time.

I remember saying to him ‘OCD is really interesting to me because I feel like I experience the same but I’m able to let go’. *Because I get a whole 3 weeks of the month to learn how to let go of my intrusive thoughts before they’re intense.*

It makes so much more sense now understanding that I am probably experiencing the same thing but because I’m not burnt out, experiencing it 24/7, I’m finding the energy to deal with it.

It makes so much more sense now why for a week every month I find it taking effort to not argue with my own thoughts and make moral corrections, and my perfectionism goes crazy. I’ve been doing ERP with myself for years because I had 3 weeks of the month where I felt alright to recognise that I felt worse on the months I tried to satisfy my brain.

It’s still, obviously, not the same as OCD and nowhere near as life shattering, but I can’t believe it’s taken this long for it to click that I relate to aspects of OCD because I do experience strong intrusive thoughts on a regular basis.

I’ve made a couple of posts now about this but long story short, after 7 years of being best friends and partners, my partner’s OCD took a massive nosedive and became unmanageable. However, at the time, instead of being fully honest about that or informing me when he was having a tough time, he was not speaking to me for weeks at a time. I did eventually snap and tell him it was over, because a relationship is two people not one. (By which I meant, I couldn’t keep telling people I was in a relationship with someone who for all intents and purposes didn’t exist in my life for weeks at a time, an I wish I’d phrased it better at the time). He didn’t reply to my break up message and I left it for a few months hoping a bit of distance would help (fyi I know more about OCD now and I know better, although I was in an impossible situation). I’ve been reaching out about monthly since but fear I’ve occasionally let my emotions get the best of me and sent follow up messages. There were more issues than just the ghosting that his OCD caused, although a small number of those issues are very much my grief ridden brain choosing to misinterpret accidents and struggle as bigger deals than they were.

Long bit of context over, it’s now been months since we started having issues (around October time last year) and months again since I snapped and sent that breakup message (massive regret) in January. I still haven’t heard a peep from him. I’ve spoken with his mum to get an update on how he’s doing and from what she’s said, he does want to talk to me but is still struggling to get by day-to-day and having bad intrusive thought cycles around the idea of returning any of my messages. He’s apparently been thrown around different NHS services this whole time and still hasn’t been able to access treatment.

Am I an idiot for trying to hold onto this relationship? I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him but every time is steel myself up to finally say ‘this isn’t okay’ I lose all conviction because what if he gets better and things could work out?

It’s so frustrating as well knowing that he’s making this so much worse for himself. He’s going to have to get such a strong grip on his OCD to talk to me because the longer he leaves it, the more anxiety inducing reaching out is going to be. Even I feel anxious when I reach out and think about talking to him again and I have reached a point in the last year, largely due to this situation, where I am extremely okay sitting with anxiety and letting it go.

This situation just feels so impossible. Idk, maybe this is just a vent, I’m just really not sure where my frustration needs to be directed anymore.