Every time I see someone that socializes easy or someone thats in a relationship I instantly become a jealous loser. Then, I feel bad for being a miserable, selfish, jealous loser and I cut myself. How fucking pathetic is that?
I'm disgusted with myself. I could be having a perfectly fine day. No issues, no worries, and yet I just have to go home and cut myself. I have to give myself more permanent marks on my body just cause. It's not even to cope, not even to distract myself, not for any of that.
Last night, driving with some friends, I had this sudden wave of depression and anxiety. It felt like the blood in my veins was itching. I felt dizzy, unfocused, drawn to self-harm (or potentially worse). My friends commented on it, saying I was driving weird (I felt like I was about to pass out) and asked me whats wrong. I brushed tem off and continued through the night. I did in fact SH that night after leaving. I usually only have thse episodes when I'm alone. They're becoming worse, more common. I don't know what to do. My friends are worrying about me and asking whats wrong and I feel like I can't tell them. If I do, they'll treat me different. Like some wounded dog that requires care. I feel like whatever I have is getting worse. I don't know what to do.
I feel like I'm some loser cutting for attention. Don't even have the balls to cut more than superficial. I know these thoughts are terrible, but I can't stop myself from having them. I feel like a loser for just cutting myself during my episodes, and I think "what the hell is wrong with me?" these thoughts make my episodes worse, and usually make me cut more. I can't help but get the feeling that I'm faking it, that I'm not really mentally ill, just someone larping as being mentally ill.
I try refrain from harming myself, but it still happens from time to time. How should I treat it afterwards to avoid infection and scarring?
I am currently being spammed with high-risk orders. Typically my shop gets about 20-30 orders a month. I have now gotten 21 orders just today, all from "high fraud risk" locations. What is this and what do I do?