I was with my ex for 10 years and that was a bitter and horrible break-up that I won't get into. But after the split, I met a new partner (32F). Things were great first few months, cinema dates, phone calls and nice meals. I did notice that she was a bit tightly wound, and I tried to manage that myself.
She is Asian and I am European, so I also had to take into account different love languages and cultural differences based on how different our upbringings may be and things in our cultures that may be prioritised over other things.
What I noticed about our relationship however was this horrible push/pull dynamic and her triggers at really small things. For context, I can give examples. On Christmas Day, she cooked a lovely roast for us, it was genuinely really nice and I ate it all. When she asked what I thought of it, I went "oh, it's nice". Apparently nice wasn't effusive enough praise for her, cue tears, crying, sulking, not speaking to me for an hour until I apologised and rephrased it. I get totally that I can be selfish and inconsiderate and sometimes I will just eat the food and then not be enthusiastic to the chef. I do get that about myself, I'm not an overly enthusiastic guy.
Another time, we went for dinner and drinks, and she said something about being perfect, and I kind of went "I don't believe that perfection exists, we all have room to grow." Again, we had an hour long ARGUMENT (not debate or healthy conversation) about how I should see her as perfect. Which led to me trying to retract my statement.
Now, I am not without sin. When she flew back from Asia, she wanted someone to pick her up from the airport. It was the same week I was starting a new job and I had to be in the office. I said that I can't do it, but really, I could have juggled both realistically. The airport and my workplace isn't THAT far from each other, but I decided to drive home. I can make my excuses, but a new relationship, her spending a month with her family and me in a new job - I just decided that I could do the airport run another time and I maybe was a bit selfish. But she unloaded on me after this, wouldn't speak to me, said how disappointed that she is and that I let her down and then cried about all the other couples that she saw greeting each other at the airport.
On Valentine's Day, I was on holiday alone (I love to solo travel) and she was in Asia visiting her family. I was so busy and swept up on my trip, that I forgot what day it was, when I called her on video phone to show her the Colosseum, she's going to me "Don't you have something to say... Don't you have something to say to me?" I was like "lol what?" Cue a huge drama, texts, messages about being inconsiderate. To be honest, I was deeply inconsiderate. But my argument back to her was as follows 1) this isn't a normal V Day where we can be together 2) Why couldn't she remind me or say it first? Why was it JUST on me to remember (if she had text me in the morning or said on the phone 'it's valentine's day silly' I would have honestly responded affectionately and shown my love) 3) These days (to me) are just kind of artificial days and don't matter as much as I think they should (I know, this is the wrong attitude and I should pay some credence to days of love). Anyway, after I realised what I did wrong, I did apologise and promised to do better next time. My apology was NOT accepted easily.
We met on the 23rd April 2025. And then we did agree to do something on the 23rd April this year. We was messaging in March, and she mentioned the 23rd April, and I just casually went "oh what's on that day?" Again, I know this would come across as majorly inconsiderate. But it was like 6 weeks before the day. I think, in a mature openly communicative dynamic we should say "this is the day we met, remember?" But instead she was like "it's ruined now, fuck it, I'm working that day, I don't want to do anything, just go to work and forget that day." Cue me apologising ad naseum.
A couple of Saturdays ago, we met up and walked around the thrift stores. She said that she wanted to take me to a clothes store (where the jeans are £300 each). She's made subtle digs at my dress sense, and to be honest, I get a bit defensive. But also, I am not the kind of guy that would spend £300 on a pair of jeans EVER. She then said, "I will buy them for you." And my reaction was "I would never expect someone to spend money like that on me, thank you but no." But in a kind of, be more financially prudent way. It was me looking out for her. Anyway, she was like "just try them on". The other thing is, I am a big guy and trying on jeans that don't fit me can be upsetting. So, I insisted, I do not want to try these jeans on. The next thing that came was tears, pushing me away, telling me that she wants to go home. When she calmed down (which by the way took a couple of hours), we looked around other shops and I mentioned that my ex said that I am way too loose with money and that I should be more careful, which was good advice, anyway, the mention of my ex triggered her all over again (this is another thing, anytime I bring my ex up, she sulks, cries and stops speaking to me).
Then when we went to get something to eat, she was telling me a story, I was drinking a bottle of beer and while she was talking and I noticed her glass was empty, I said to her "oh do you want some beer". In the kind of dynamics I come from, it is rude to interrupt but if someone does, you just shrug it off and continue right? I was still listening to her story. But she was like "right, I'm done speaking, I was speaking about something meaningful and you interrupted me." And then when we had the food (a messy subway sandwich quite thing), I took a bite and all the meat fell out onto the plate. She looked at me with such venom and anger and disgust, and was like "you are disgusting." At this point, I had enough and said that I am going home and won't be subjected to this anymore (I actually went to the toilet to calm down).
These are just SOME examples for context. But honestly, this kind of push and pull sulking is constant and endless. I actually told her that I felt relief when I leave her company. I've had it where a quick twenty minute 'hello, how was your day' turns into her crying, hanging up, me calling back, me begging for forgiveness, all because I didn't say exactly what she wanted to hear. I mean there was one time we were out and I asked her to hold the pizza box we were carrying and this turned into a week long argument where it always got brought up. Or when I had my haircut and she kept saying how cute I look (I'm not one for compliments or effusive praise) and when I tried to change conversation, she started crying because I didn't receive the compliment the way she wanted me to.
With all that being said, she is extremely kind, generous, funny and sweet. But I think the looming issue is her insecurity and need for either control or to feel wanted. Maybe mixed in with some inconsiderate behaviour on my part. But I do want her, I just don't always show it on days like Valentine's Day or being at the airport with flowers when we've only known each other four months. I want someone that I can chill with in a low pressure environment, not always having to subscribe to the high drama of it all. But maybe I need to change and learn to be more romantic.
Throughout the year, I have told her many times that I don't like the constant arguing and she has said things like "I don't recognise myself at the moment and it's because of you." But I said that I think that it is deeper than a recent insecurity and it is an unfixable personality clash.
I know this is Reddit and people may come at me and say I'm the problem, and I accept that I definitely can be. But does this sound like a repairable dynamic to you because I'm at the point of walking away.