u/Kaitie04

So after leaving Christianity i have noticed i felt more safe wearing pentagrams then i ever did wearing a cross. Anytime now since i have truama from the religion crosses have done absolutely nothing but truamatize me and remind me of the abusive people inside the religion.

I feel safe wearing pentagrams more so ever then i did wearing a cross. Weither it be from a show like black butler or halluva boss or the pentagrams by itself i feel and felt safe wearing them?

I am not a satanist i just felt always safe wearing pentagrams even before 'leaving' the religion.

So is this normal or anyone got an idea of why i may feel comfortable around these symbols? Could it be because the cross now i once viewed as a symbol of protection now its a truama trigger? Or is it something else?

So lately after leaving Christianity after years of having to 'fake it till you make it' i noticed i have been mentally scard by its harmful teachings and doomsday bull shit talk from parents and political speakers and figures.

Anytime someone says something good about god or calls him 'forgiving' & 'loving' i feel this untamed rage inside me. I blame god a 100% for the truama/C-PTSD he placed upon me even still deconstructing i can't stand the thought of a forgiving god who hurts 'non-belivers' who just wanna be left alone.

Religion has always been UN important in my life. If its not a need physically to survive here on earth. ( like drinking or eating. ) im NOT going to worship him. You do NOT need to worship a figure to SURVIVE.

[ NOTE: i am not religious at all i have always been spiritual however believing in the paranormal. ]

Anytime i talk about my truama to family or other's. I am often told i am 'jealous' of his 'perfection.' Or 'just want someone to blame.' ( yeah they told me that. )

I feel physically nauseous about being inside a church again and will sometimes even cry. I will also get very defensive and try my best to say i am not 'jealous' i am rightfully angry with him.

Hell i even get flashbacks when my mom was obsessed with talking about 'jesus coming back' bull shit. I was never christian to begin with. This was a path my family and parents planned for me to also agree with the organized religion i NEVER cared for. I finally escaped all this crap at 22 years old.

It disgusts me how brainwashed my family is and other's around me who constantly fall for the lies of a 'forgiving' god and the 'bible' ( i believe the bible is full of shit and written by men with twisted thirst for power. )

After realizing my religion ( Christianity ) is a death cult. I am now looking into their crazy world as if a third eye inward.

I know the bible is a harmful way of thinking and the god/jesus of the bible is evil. ( not sure if anyone else thinks god is evil. ) some of the things in the bible he has done i can't stand by.

Should i keep this information to myself knowing Christianity is a death cult since i still interact with my family members and live with them who are heavily Christian?

I told them im no longer Christian and even if they did not over react to my departure they keep trying to pull me back slowly constantly ignoring my religious truama and inviting me to church.

I gave them my reasons why i would not attend and it feels like im being mocked. ( i never gave them the exact reason why i lost my faith. Its none of their business. )

Worse part is that for mothers day ( this year ) they are using this same damn trick on me again. Asking me to attend church with them.

( i only said yes to keep the peace i deny every other time. ) ( cause im over 18 and they can't control me anymore. )

Ofc im bringing ear buds to block them out but i hate how they use holidays to get what they want as if they are ignoring my deconstructing.

( after realizing this religion is just abusive in so many ways i can't even list is insane. )

So should i pretend for my own mental health and act like i dont know anything about the religions cult like behavior? And act obedient? Its physically/mentally eating away at me i can't share the knowledge cause they will argue with me.

Christianity is a cult and god of the bible will always be viewed as evil to me. No one can change my mind. The realization after waking up is eating away at me and it looks like pure insanity to me now from an outside view. I feel like i just woke up from a sick fever dream i have been living for 22 years.

So bit of a backstory. ( before my rebellion and taking back my life. )

I was raised with a religious background for 22 years of my life until recently, i left the religion around easter. I am someone who's went through a great deal of missfortune and suffering. Physically and emotionally along with spiritually. I only feel like i woke up when i stopped going to church 2 years before actually reannoucing my faith as a Christian. ( im still spiritual just not religious.)

I dont know why i stopped but once i reached age 20 or 21 i realized i did not have to attend church. Its not a requirement for me to live. ( like food or water ) i dont have to keep pretending anymore that i care.

I personally never really cared about worshiping some god. I just purely never cared about all these extra things we humans think it takes to get into heaven. ( we dont know what gets someone into heaven. Cause we havent died and come back with that experince. )

I just always been kinda doing my own thing as a person and a member of society. I never really liked big groups or communial things. I was always shy growing up and not very social. So i believed in the stuff my parents told me as i did and still do see them as a guide for me. ( makes me feel less scared of being in this world alone we inherited. )

I realized believing in whatever my parents told me was bad. Now they are not bad people just they dont like the thought of other opinions when it comes to politics or religion. So i started to develop my own morals and whats considered 'ok' at least to me.

I believed in everything they told me up till now recently. As a child dose you think they are safe and trusting.

Now my mom recently become obsessed with being a devouted christian these past 3 years. She never was really this devouted. Yes we were christian's but never practiced the faith as 'we should'. She was more so chill and not obsessed before all this. So this was a truamatic change for me. ( as this is my mother )

Now as someone like me who's recently left i view this as OCD obsession over just being devouted.

She has bought a mary statue. ( im not joking ) she keeps buying rosary's and books that says 'church has the answer' she always watches exorcist files audios on YT and believes alien's are demons and no ghosts haunt's this much and all are demons. Basically her mind set. ( we are also conservative. Im more independent voter now. )

( So after leaving church for the past year or two i did some research and ofc found this lovely reddit and read other's experinces that made me feel less like an outsider. So thank you everyone for excepting me. 🙃)

So after having left the church finally for almost over 2 years. I noticed some things. First holy communion i was forced to do as a child seems more like a ritual similar to cult practices sacraficing your child to a entity or god in my eyes. ( just without blood. Its like giving up your own critial thinking and morals and excepting someone else's. His morals are now YOURS. ) Same with taking the Eucharist. That i view as a cannibalism now. Not a holy practice. The priest or pastor or whatever hoping for it to be the blood of jesus and flesh of christ disturbs me. It always kinda has even as a child.

Now why would someone be obsessed with this? No idea. Why would you wanna eat flesh ( waffer/bread ) of a tortured guy? ( yes i took it a few times cause i was not allowed to say no. )

Also after just also realizing how obsessed this religion is with the topic of death freaks me out. Like they normalize it. They call suicide selfish yet they normalize people dying on 'gods time' as if its ok for him to kill innocent people and children who are sick in the hospital? Taking them away and making their family's grieve?

They are also obsessed with end time prophecy's. Like the 3 days of darkness i was forced to be told by my mom. I could not get away from her at the time.

3 days of darkness is a event in the bible saying "there will be no sun for 3 days and flames falling from the sky and gods wrath will be upon the earth." Best what i can remember. Also you are not allowed to go outside during this time. You are supposed to stay in and pray.

( let me know if you also heard of this? )

( we are christian orthodox church. My religion i used to be. Correct me if i am wrong. Just now learning different types of titles. We are NOT evangelicas. )

Like some of the stuff they justify gods actions just disturbed me. Like the obsession with death? Like why are you so obsessed about perfecting your life to a way someone wants you to live so you can get into heaven? Huh?! Dont even get me started as most people tell me "its important to live the way god wants us to." Is the thing i hear all the damn time. Also to respect the 10 commandments.

Anyways these are reasons i think its a death cult cause they normalize death and god killing people. Also why would a gods first priority is to make sure people worshipped him? Why would that be any gods biggest priority over protecting the earth? Another thing heaven sounds like hell! Why would i wanna go and worship a guy the rest of my after life!?

Not to mention this religions main thing to keep people loyal is to make them afraid of hell. I am no longer afraid of hell and my mother found that concerning. Ok if you were really comfortable in your beliefs why would you need to make us afraid of something to stay and worship you?

I dont wanna make this too long cause i can go on & on about why i think this is a death cult. But yeah what do you guys think?

So after realizing the religion i was in is a cult i have been having really unhealthy anger towards god and the people who have wronged & deceived me over the years growing up as a child. who used to be very scared of hell. ( im no longer afraid of it. ) I am typing this out even cause i need advise on how to not get so triggered by the fact people still praise god or get angry seeing religious objects. ( ex: rosarys, crosses and bibles. ) i literally even broke two rosarys to reannounce my faith after realizing everything i was taught was bs. ( mostly angry at the fear based controling beliefs of hell. )

I realized i am suffering from RTS ( religious truama syndrome. ) or at least i think thats what it is cause i dont think a doctor could give a diagnosis on something like this? Im unsure. ( but i DO have a diagnosis already for PTSD. ) But im asking for advise if this IS RTS i have and not just random anger people claim it is cause im usually called "victim". ( their excuse for my suffering is that life is hard. )

So i have suffered alot in my life. Things i cannot just forget and forgive god for. Things that would drive most people to become insane. Thats how bad it is.

Literally i have been called "jealous" of his perfection or "i just want to blame someone" for my truama/anger. ( as if its my fault!? )

Literaly anytime someone talks good about god or praises him. I feel my heart rate increase. I remember all the suffering i went through and i start even crying in some occasions. ( Im not joking. )

I even also get panic attacks or worked up so bad i cover my ears or put headphones on. Cause i cannot stand the thought of a good god who's put an innocent girl like me through things that are so horrific.

So i am looking for advise to others who are dealing with the same situation as me who is currently deconstructing faith and living life free but have mental scars. I really dont want to be angry now i am free from the chains that once binded me. i wanna live my life happy not resentful to a god i never cared about and to a god who never gave a damn about me. Like i just wanna be left alone and live a happy fulfilling life. Thats it. I dont wanna waste it on anger.

Background info: no i am not an ex evangelical. I am a ex regular christian who was raised to be forced to believe in jesus christ and holy spirit and the church.