hi, for context, im f(18)! 🤍
this is kinda long so feel free to skim!
im not looking for medical advice or diagnosis, just something to think about and bring up to my therapist & psychiatrist.
i've been on ssris (specifically prozac), since 8th or 9th grade, but wasn't taking them regularly until recently! (id forget to take them for months, it was really bad)
i had some mood swings at that time, but they weren't crazy intense, until about a few months ago, around when i started taking my ssris regularly.
after a bit, i felt AWESOME, it felt like i discovered everything that was wrong with me and knew exactly how to fix it. i was eating right, exercising until i was sore, had great ideas, picked up more responsibilities...
but for the past month (until a few days ago), i was so depressed and angry.
i remember having a meltdown 2weeks ago, that was screaming, crying, hitting myself, it was so bad my mom didn't trust me to be at home by myself.
when i get that way, nothing calms me down-
i would wake up depressed and angry, or spend my day numb despite now taking my meds regularly. i slept all day, i quit all my clubs, stopped caring about school, and would have (TW) si.
BUT, ive felt awesome again. i looked into being an au pair and want to leave the country. i researched allll day, talked about it nonstop, going fucking crazy over this idea.
then last night, i was suddenly really paranoid? i thought my phone was trying to make me go crazy so i wouldn't leave the country. i couldn't sleep (and when im really happy or depressed i can't sleep anyway).
i talked to my psychiatrist today because my mom thought i was losing it.
he just gave me sleeping pills?? and said the lack of sleep was making me go crazy
but i think this is deeper??????
ive had weird ocd episodes and the prozac has stopped that, but im so confused about the moodswings. I JUST WANT TO BE STABLE AND TO TRUST MYSELF AND MY DECISION MAKING.
but i make such rash decisions when im like this and it's draining!
i need answers because i feel like the unstableness is taking my life away from me, i can't even go to the college i want bc i don't think im stable enough to leave home.
i don't really trust myself to not tweak for weeks on end and do something dumb.
is bipolar 2 something i should bring up for screening?
does anyone else have adhd and have issues with emotional regulation? how does this differ from bipolar 2?
can sleeping for 5 hours really cause the intense paranoia??? i feel fine now! not great, just... okay.