u/Isabelle994

So, I'm a closeted trans woman. You know how it goes. I am on HRT, getting laser, I have a savings account for FFS. I'm just keeping things quiet until the big reveal.

I'm mid-30s, with a professional career, so I want to be well into transition before I use the words "trans woman" openly.

The part that's tripping me up in my preparations is my voice.

Masculinity generally fits me like an itchy jumper, but I'm alright with my voice.

I'm alright with being openly transgender as well. Not much choice when I'm taller than most men and sound the way that I do.

I just really, really want to be thought of as "someone who transitioned to be a woman," with some lingering remnants of my past.

I'm not alright with being "a man but a feminine looking one."

Realistically, what happens if I don't change my voice? Just my entire external appearance? Clothes, body, face, the works?

Can I still reach "clocky but proud trans woman", or am I always going to be seen as some guy?

This is draft no.2. I'll try to be concise. I know I write paragraphs when a sentence will do.

I feel very aimless in my life right now.

If you asked me if I feel like a man or a woman, I'd say that I don't truly feel like either, but I'd like to look like a woman. When I had that realization, I got on HRT asap. I didn't want to waste time deliberating about my identity for years before starting.

I'm 30, and I know HRT takes years. I didn't want to end up 80, make my decision, and then croak.

But now I feel like I rushed into things.

Nobody pressured or manipulated me, I wasn't under duress. I don't even know any other trans people irl.

I just started taking HRT on my own accord, in the hope that I'd make my decision eventually between non-binary, or genderfluid, or boymode for now and then come out as a trans women in a year or two.

I still don't know.

I think I'm not ready.

My current plan is to stop taking estrogen, keep taking dutasteride, keep getting laser, and just live as a bisexual man again while I think things through.

Anybody have any words of wisdom?

I'm going to take a step back from social media soon, especially content about transgender people, but part of me has a deep suspicion that I'll be back in a year or two.

I could use some advice. These levels don't match what estrannai.se suggests they should be and I feel like crap.

4mg estradiol enanthate weekly. (0.1ml of a 40mg/ml solution)

0.5mg dutasteride daily.

3 months since I changed to this specific regime.

Edit: I am not taking biotin, I know that can mess up blood tests.

Hormone	SI units	Converted (online calculator)
Oestradiol (E2)	1673 pmol/L	455 pg/mL
Testosterone (T)	7.66 nmol/L	221 ng/dl
Free T	0.112 nmol/L
FSH	0.36 u/L
LH	4.5 u/L
Prolactin	365 mIU/L
SHBG	48.5 nmol/L
Albumin	45.4 g/L

When I look at photos of myself around age 12 or 13 I can't help but wish I'd known how my life would turn out, and that I'd transitioned much sooner. I was cute back then.

But I didn't. I didn't work it out until late 20s, started HRT at 30.

Looking at photos of myself from ages 16 -18 is profoundly depressing as well, but for other reasons. I matured incredibly fast. By the age of 18 I already had a mature hairline and a jaw that could cut glass. And a baritone. And 6ft tall.

I don't feel like my genetics ever gave me a real chance.

At least I *didn't* know back then, I suppose. I wasn't tormented by going through puberty, I lived in blissful ignorance until it had already happened. Then I started to look in the mirror and realized "I don't like this".

I really didn't know if I would be happy as a grown man or not until after I had tried it. I gave it a fair shot, tried my best, and it's not for me. But biology doesn't give any take-backs.

Irony: I actually prefer to identify as non-binary because I'm not trying to be "a real woman". I just don't like having the features of a man.

Doesn't matter. I might as well be grouped with the trans women today. I have the same regrets.

This seems SUCH a silly thing to be insecure about, but it is bothering me.

The more I express my feminine side, the more I worry that I'm shooting myself in the foot regarding my love life.

I'm under no illusions that even at my most femme, I'm not perceived by other people as female. I'm perceived as a flamboyantly gay man.

It's so hard to escape the cultural connection between sexuality and gender expression. "Do you like women? Be manly! Do you like men? Be feminine!"

If I had examples of other people who make it work, I'd be a lot more confident about the way my life is going.