u/Intuition-Whispered

40mtf

At least when I was questioning, I wasn’t constantly thinking about becoming.

Now it feels like constant dysphoria.

I had a good time last night. My friends came out to hang out with me and support me in my transition, and I felt so loved, affirmed, and grateful. Then I saw a video of myself and it completely destroyed my mood.

All I could think was: I look fat. I look masculine. I don’t look how I felt.

Then today I went out to DoorDash and got “sir” all damn day. It’s demoralizing. Frankly, it’s depressing.

I don’t want to correct anyone because it feels awkward. I have beard shadow. I have a masculine face. I know the only way out is through, and I know transition takes time, effort, money, practice, and patience.

And yet part of me thinks: what if I just give up and accept that I’m going to get “sir” for the rest of my life?

Why the fuck did I open the box labeled gender identity? It feels like I opened Pandora’s box.

Can anyone relate? How do you find the strength to correct strangers?

I know it probably doesn’t matter to them, and I keep telling myself to let it roll off my back. But every time I swallow it, it tears into me a little more.

I don’t feel secure enough in my gender presentation to demand that people call me “Ms. OP.” But I also don’t know how many more times I can quietly take “sir” without it wrecking me. #cryinginmycar #notsir 

I wrote: “I love you forever. No matter what. Daddy’s eldest sibling.” in her birthday card

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TL;DR:
I didn’t deadname myself, they did. If I stay quiet, I disappear anyway. That’s what they want—the old me back—and I can’t give them that.

Preface: I need to vent about this so please be kind in the comments.

Update:

I wrote: “I love you forever. No matter what. Daddy’s eldest sibling.” in her birthday card.

Full version:

She didn’t open her presents, so the outcome is still TBD. I’m half expecting a “why did you sign it like that?” text.

I followed my brother’s rule and didn’t bring up gender identity. I also didn’t deadname myself. Quiet line in the sand.

They deadnamed me the entire time. My niece is two. This didn’t need to be complicated. “This is your aunt OP.” That’s it. Even THAT is too much for them.

I live far away and only see her a handful of times a year if I’m lucky. What hurts the most is she doesn’t know me, and I don’t know her. She’s growing up without me. And honestly, even if I lived next door, I’m not convinced that would change much. This is the hardest part, even regardless of the gender politics.

I’m trying to walk a narrow line. If I push, I lose access. If I stay quiet, I disappear anyway. That’s what they want. For me, the real me, to disappear. They want the old me back and I can’t give them that.

I don’t know how long I can keep walking this dental floss tightrope. It’s built to snap or send me falling one way or the other. I’ll keep trying until I can’t boy mode anymore. I’m planning to change my name legally. I’m planning on HRT. I may even go under the knife for various things, but that’s years away. At some point they’ll either accept that I am a woman or shut me out completely. I just want to be auntie OP! 😭

I’m going to my niece’s 2nd birthday party today and could use some perspective from parents.

I recently came out as trans (MtF) a few weeks ago. My brother and his wife are not supportive right now, and I’m trying to navigate how to still be part of my niece’s life without causing a blow-up.

The specific situation is writing in her birthday card.

She’s 2, so obviously she can’t read it—this is really about what her parents will see.

I feel stuck between signing with my chosen name, which feels honest to who I am, and signing with my legal name, which would avoid conflict but feels like I’m hiding.

If you were the parent in this situation (even if you didn’t fully understand or agree), what would you hope a family member would do at your child’s birthday?

I’m trying to balance respecting their space as parents while also not completely erasing myself.

I came out as trans (MtF) a few weeks ago, and I’m going to my niece’s 2nd birthday party today.
My brother isn’t supportive. He’s basically made it clear he doesn’t want me around his daughter “with those ideas,” so right now I’m in this weird middle ground where I can still show up if I don’t push anything.
Here’s the dilemma: I don’t know how to sign her card.
If I sign my chosen name, it’s going to be seen by her parents (she’s 2, she can’t read), and it might cause drama or even get me cut off from seeing her.
If I sign my legal/deadname, it feels like I’m erasing myself to keep the peace.
I want to be in my niece’s life long-term. At the same time, I don’t want to set the precedent that I’ll just hide who I am to make things easier for everyone else.
Have you dealt with something like this? How did you handle it?

I told him that it would be even more difficult for me to go back in the closet especially after realizing that I am trans. It’s the kind of thing where once you know it’s nearly impossible to go back to your “normal” life as you knew it. That’s why it is so hard for him to accept.

Edit: Right now I’m unemployed and he’s mainly focused on me getting a job. He was saying that getting a job is going to be much harder now because I’m trans. Plus other discrimination like sexism. I told him I fought against it for nearly 8 years. Ultimately I had to accept myself and that’s when I became her.