u/International-East63 — reddlx

My friend works in finance, and his office throws the team a celebration lunch at a nice restaurant when they have an exceptionally good “quarter” or whatever. Dates are allowed, and he said he was tired of being one of the only people to go alone every time. So, he asked if I would be his +1 this time. The dress code was business casual. I wore a loose, white, button down shirt, grey slacks, and 2-inch, leopard print heels.

He saw my shoes and said they were tacky. When I asked how, he replied that only “certain women” wear leopard/cheetah print. I questioned him further about what kind of women. He said the kind that wear print styles. I pushed him until he finally admitted he meant trashy women. For context, I’m also Latina. I don’t have proof because he didn’t explicitly say it, but his tone and the way he kept dancing around the questions felt really racially loaded. He’s probably referring to the “chonga” stereotype racists imagine when referring to “trashy” hispanic women.

I got mad and told him that I was doing him a favor, and that he needs to shut up before I get so angry I make us both look bad because I’ll either be upset the whole time or just not go to the lunch.

Was he right about the shoes? Should I apologize?

I (26F) matched a guy on hinge (J). J is a black man (important). We’ve been going out for 2 months and figured it’s time to meet the friends.

A week ago, we went to a bar to meet everyone. After an hour, a friend’s gf started making some comments. We were talking about Social Justice and racism. I’m writing my thesis on intersectional social justice with a basis in evolutionary psychology, so i agreed with her. But she started talking about “entitled white women,” “racist beauty standards,” and “the entitlement to our men.” She kept glancing at me. She’s right about the racist systems ingrained in our laws and culture, but she looked straight at me every time.

Also, I’m not White? I’m Latina. My parents are immigrants. I’m light skinned, but if you put me next to a white girl, there’s an obvious difference. My hair is curly and my skin has different undertones.

I didn’t want to invalidate her feelings because she was mostly right. She’s faced bigotry I can’t imagine. I have a privilege that my features are more“white” despite my hair and skin. If I straighten my hair, I could pass as a white girl with a spray tan. Colorism is very real in Colombia. The beauty standard there is way more rooted in racism than the US. In some regions, Afro-Latinos are treated so poorly that America seems progressive in comparison. So I understand systemic racism well.

I didn’t want to make waves, so I kept trying to focus on how happy I am to be with a guy as kind and funny as J. Eventually the conversation shifted and the comments ended.

Later, J’s friend (a masc black woman) and her girlfriend (a femme white woman) showed up. They came after work, so they weren’t there when everyone else arrived.

The conversation looped back and the gf made more comments, but still ONLY glanced at me. I was so confused, and it looked like everyone was confused too. Someone finally asked where all this was coming from. It clicked that she wasn’t talking about “snow bunnies” because of racism, but male validation. She was being a pick me.

I can handle jabs at me, but it felt homophobic/sexist that she kept looking at me (for having a black bf), but not the other woman (for having a black gf). I finally said I don’t appreciate her comments & that if she has an issue, she should say it (I didn’t mention the homophobia because I didn’t want to drag others into it). She asked me where I got the audacity. I just put down some cash to cover my drinks, thanked everyone for inviting me, and said I had to leave. I told J I wouldn’t be upset if he stayed.

He said bye to his friends and left with me. When we got in the car, he said that his friend was out of line, but I was rude.

I told him I would’ve kept my mouth shut if it weren’t for the sexism/homophobia, and pointed out that after a while, his friends thought it was weird too. I eventually apologized for making things tense and I shouldn’t let someone get under my skin. So, am I the asshole for calling out my boyfriend’s friend?

Edit:

I won’t tolerate racism or bs about “victim complexes.” Systemic racism is very real and causes measurable suffering. She was being rude, but the fundamentals of her point are VERY valid.