u/Individual-Fennel536

I thought she liked me. for the past 2 months, she knows i like her and she gave me looks and i gave her looks.

she has alot more friends than me and I kinda knew this would happen.

I wish the reality that I made wasnt ever made, how the fuck do i leave it now?

i dont know how im going to sleep tonight. im already depressed, i recently found out I have ADHD, and i already feel disabled mentally. and i cry whenever i can at home.

im 16 and im already dealing with learning how to live with myself again. my entire life i had adhd and i blamed myself for it, i tore myself down, said horrible things and my esteem was shot to ground because of it.

Im lonely, my grades arent great, im anxious. im also limerent

i put her on a pedastool, shes smarter than me, and out of my league honestly with looks and her socials. I have no idea about a single flaw in her.

im done. im never looking at her again. its over, NC for life.

I dont know how to stop crying. im gonna make myself hate her.

i dont know how il lose this feeling in my stomach its horrible i need fucking help.

im gonna visit the psychiatrist for the first time soon. i need to

what the fuck do i even do anymore. i changed myself for her, i focused on my education more and I tore myself down for not getting the grades I wanted. I became depressed and I already had no friends but she had friends. my goals in life shifted, I didnt care about being lonely, i mean i did, but i lived with it. but she had friends, and i decided i needed more friends. My depression makes the hobbies i enjoyed boring.

i dont know how to get this pit out of my stomach its the worst feeling ever. it actually hurts so bad. I have a 100 other problems that i didnt even mention and theyre all breaking me. i actually feel like dying, but im too much of a pussy to do it

I really wanna go to RU NB.

I have ADHD and depression. find out about this in junior year of high school with a month left of my transcript is fucking useless.

i can talk about how i struggled my entire shitty life because of my adhd but theres no point in complaining

If i dont get into NB. should i go to newark and try transferring to NB after 2 sems (1 year). or should i go to cc and switch in.

list of pros on cons for both:

newark:

cons- commuter college? full tuition for worse education. worried about social life here too. if i get stuck here and i cant transfer after one year im gonna be pretty upset.

pros: i can go to all clubs n stuff. get access to rutgers facilities including nb i think? faster transfer after 1 year to NB.

cc (middlesex):

cons: its community college, FOMO, social life? no facilities, no clubs, just go to school and come home but i guess i would do the same at newark

pros: cheap, guaranteed transfer after 2 years to NB.

il prolly still be depressed at both ngl, since im noy happy with either option. i hope i get into NB so i can dorm first year maybe. get away from my house.

also should i mention adhd and depression on my application?

i have severe depression and bad adhd.

its really fucked my high school years up, my enitre life had been a struggling blur.

it gave me a low gpa, but i really want to go to NB

what do I do?

i was severly depressed, i have adhd

a youtube channel about mental health and it has 1k subs

im getting on meds soon

this isnt fair, i didnt even know i had this shit until 3 days ago. i struggled my entire life with social and academic problems and i blamed myself for it. why do i have to have the mental problems

theres gotta be some way to use my diagnosis for college apps right????

i have it on my lower back and sides of my ass. its kinda cool

i grew like many inches in one year tho.

im 16, i have no memories of my childhood but rhe past 3 years ive been struggling. school, friendships, mental health, depression

i know i have adhd. my mind is my own enemy and im depressed as fuck right now. the realization that my high school years got wasted and shitted because i have adhd.

i really fucking wish this was a discipline problem. im not stupid, im smart and i know im smart now. my work ethic isnt there and its getting fucked by adhd.

ive slept at 2 am for the past 3 week’s consecutively. I hyper fixate on whatever that I genuinely have a passion for. but im depressed, im losing passions, motivation, im losing my life. ive never been this low and my parents have noticed.

they dont believe in mental illness and theyre uneducated completely about this shit. its disgusting to know how they treated a family friend with depression/or something they had. point is they dont know anything about this, they are good people tho. i think im making my mom cry by being depressed and away from my family at home and just my grades im not making her proud.

im just gonna go to my mom tomorrow and ask “can i see a psychiatrist, i think i have a mental illness”.

this is kind of comedic but they think i have a vitamin deficiency. and my mom bought me teen vitamin gummies and I take 2 a day and they taste good, ik they wont help a bit but they taste good. she asks me daily, “ur feeling better after feeling them right?”. they dont even suspect its mental illness. i mean they are asian, mental illness doesnt exist in asia

my dad hasnt been talking to me. im depressed and i have no motivation to do shit. i wake up late and he drops me off daily and he goes to work late. hes tired of this too, but he hasnt said a word to me. my dad is a really strong man, he does things that hurt him and he judt does them. i hope to be like him. i waste his time so fucking much. hours of practice out of school, his freetime gone, driving me around everywhere, i dont even have a close relationship with him. he loves me tho. and im crying as i type this

what do i expect when i see this psychiatrist? im gonna cry throughout the entire session i suspect.

i just want medication. i told myself that if i really try and out my mind to it. i can stop my adhd and stop procrastinating.

at this rate im just gonna rot. lose years on my life span. i need medication or something

off-topic: i wish i had this conversation with myself last year. maybe i could have saved my gpa, maybe if i was medicated right now my junior year would have been more educated. i have so many regrets. the worst part is that i know im smart. i could have been extremely smart and gifted at school. im smart and i know i am, i cant do any of the work. why do i have to have adhd? and the worst part is i cant just go around telling people this. everyone thinks adhd is some fidgeting joke disorder, including me. i realize i didnt just have this starting high school. i had it throughout my entire 16 years on this planet. and it hurt me every single year. i keep apologizing to the younger self of me for being so harsh on myself. not eating because i dont deserve it. i hope i can get better. i need help.

its 11:45 pm, i havent studied for my math quiz pr done the homework due tmrw. il try to do it now. il prolly sleep at 2 am. i took a hour long nap by accident today

i just wanted to put my thoughts down here i think idk.

i know I have something mental going on and I definitely think its ADHD. im extremely confident it has to be.

Its been 3 years. i havent figured out how to start studying, there hasnt been a single day in my entire high school career that i can think of when i started studying before like 9 pm.

When I was younger (im 16 rn), i used to study at 9 pm to 12 am like very hard and focused. but recently ive been depressed and careless about my education. why? its been 3 years and i have a 3.4 weighted gpa. My grades got fkd, i took hard courses due to peer pressure because I didnt want to look dumb.

Another habit i dont know how to break is my negligence to keeping myself organized. Clothes all over my room, i struggle with doing my own chores, i need to be reminded multiple times for everything, i dont fold my own clothes. desk is filled with shit that i say il clean later. lunch boxes sometimes mold in my bag after being left there for days.

worst one of all - because kf the procastination and shit i go thru. i sleep super late and have a hard time waking up in general. im depressed and anxious and it doesbt help that my room is also cold.

my dad has work at 8 am. every day for the past 2 weeks hes been dropping me off because I cant wake up 10 minutes earlier.

my mornings are hell, i just get yelled at, and i feel guilty because my dad goes to work late because ofm e.

i hate myself. i dont know if i will ever grow or not, ive also come to find out people with ADHD live 10 years less. That its highly transferable and i always wanted to be a dad. but i have shit mental health and is it selfish to bring someone into this world, and let him go thru what i go thru?

watch him struggle in his teenage years and be depressed. and deep down know that its all my fault for the shit life that my child lives.

i thought knowing i have adhd would help but it doesnt. i just wish i was normal. i wanted to be a doctor since like 8th grade but with this stupid ass disability how the hell am i gonna go thru those academics.

idk what to do. its getting harder and harder. nothing is getting better except I have the answer to why ive been the same for 3 years.

I made other posts like this here before sicne i found out 3 days ago i have this. idk what i want out of this. its just a way to put down my thoughts. i dont know what to do. im so sick and depressed

my adhd is quite severe in the case of doing shit i dont want to do. im disgusting.

i hoard laundry on the floor of my room, snacks, bottles, plates and wrappers on my desk. finished lunch boxes my mom made, left in the bag for days sometimes leading to mold. im so fucked up.

the worst one of all. my academics. my grades took a huge hit, and now i have to somehow dial my ass up and work hard to get into the main campus of my state school. this school should have been a safety, now i have to work 100x for a chance to get in. (my sat is what determined if i get in or not, + my ecs)

the past 2 weeks i stayed up until 2 am on school days because i started my work at 12 am. I dont even know how im getting worse.

Ive been really depresssed this year on and off, and yesterday I found out that I have adhd, looking thru the symptoms, the experiences, i literally know i have it.

i have like no close friends. i cant get shit done. my attention is horrible. so many relatable experiences that i have with others with adhd.

i wish i knew about this sooner. i just wasted the ENTIRE FUCKING day. i got home at 4:30 i told my self that im going to be busy for the ap psychology test tomorrow. ITS BEEN 4 HOURS, I havent started. i dont know what to do. i have so much other work too.

i genuinely just started crying an hour ago. ive been living like this for 3 years, my freshmen year especially. im a junior now and the year is almost over. its been 3 fucking years goddamit. i havent learnt how to sit my ass down and study, i do everything last minute.

and the low self esteem issues and shit and everything makes my social life hell. theres a girl that LIKES ME. Im extremely limerent over her and my ADHD takes over now thinking about fantasies about her, i have extremely dtrong visualization skills and a internal monologue, i can keep myself entertained for hours without a device.

And its not even about putting my phone in another room or anything. My own fucking thoughts of this girl and our fake reality future take over and it feels so good but now im out of the zone to study.

Im not aware about the social aspect but i have no close friends. and the close friends i have: i lost all of them. this makes me worried about any future relationship i could have.

i cant pay attention in class for fucks sake. its just day dream after day dream after day dream. especially in classes that i have no interest in. my body auto pilots and does all the normal things it shiuld do. eye contact with the teacher looks at where it should look at when the teacher might be pointing somewhere or something. but in my head im not picking up a single fucking thing.

Ive noticed more things and things and im becoming self aware about the actual fucking reality of this disease. I always saw it as ooo wee cant focus, great excuse disease!

this shit is horrible. i just want to study dude. im avoiding my responsibilities right now. why am i like this. i just want to study for once and sleep for more thann 5 hours.

im so depressed and anxious about my future. i have no one to talk to. and this self realization makes me feel like a fucking disabled person. i want to be a psychiatrist and help others, and for a while since i dealt with my mental health problems I thought that this was a genuine way of having purpose in my life.

and this purpose tore me apart. i procastinated and my grades tore down my self esteem and made me more anxious. a psychiatrist? med school? premed? grades?

i know im smart. i am smart. infact im willing to bet im really really smart like above average. i cant fucking figure out grades. if i just had the fucking work ethic i could have been a power house academic weapon or some shit.

i just want to be normal. why am i fucking disabled.

what do i even do, 8:36 pm. i still havent started studying. how do i do the things i dont want to with this disease

dx, 16 and have adhd and im a male.

ive been working my ass off, searching for tips and information on reddit about tips to start studying with adhd because i procastine too much and do everything at 2 am. its really taken a toll on my health.

Why is this subreddit filled with people leaving their husbands with adhd? and everyone is supporting it.

it kinda scares me

is adhd a red flag or something?

if you have tips for me in future dating. because im gonna ask a girl out next year after colleges come out and shit, im trying to become a psychiatrist one day.

if this girl ends up going to a college in my state, il ask her out and hopefully shel become my girl friend one day.

I would love to hear what these men that you guys are leaving did. and im gonna do my best to become like them.

I didnt really see anything about adhd in women partners so far.

im gonna try to study :/

hobbies: tennis 4 years, video games, working out, youtube channel, crying and being depressed.

im also commuting btw if it means anything, and im going to sebs campus, and im a premed

edit:
im still in high school, im a freshmen at ru nb in fall