I'll keep this as short as I can (throwaway account for obvious reasons).
Me (21f) and this guy (I'll call him Jay, 22m) used to be really close friends a couple of years ago in college. We would do so much stuff together and we were really close. After being friends for a while, one of our mutual friends at the time (I'll call her Karen) started a huge fight. She brought up something political and, in front of Jay and some other friends, directly asked me what my opinion about it was. (I have severe anxiety and try to avoid the news and politics as much as possible.) I told her I don't have an opinion because I didn't agree with either side, and she absolutely EXPLODED at me, screaming and calling me every hurtful name she could think of in the moment. I tried to explain that I wasn't disagreeing with her, I just didn't want to pick sides. I seriously thought she was going to start throwing hands. (the political thing was a human rights issue. . .I said I was on the side of the victims. That's controversial for some reason?)
Anyway, I was expecting Jay to stand up for me, but he didn't. He wasn't yelling at me, but he was on Karen's side and egging her on (basically making it worse). So I ran away. I left the group chat we all shared within a larger friend group and blocked all of them.
In hindsight, I understand why Karen was upset, but she took it too far I think.
Whenever I saw Jay after that, he didn't say anything but he looked at me like he wanted to talk to me. I ignored him. I was so hurt and angry that he didn't stand up for me that I didn't want to see him at all. I wrote a VERY NASTY email telling him that, too.
Eventually, another one of our mutual friends (I'll call her Mary) tried to make things better because things were really uncomfortable and awkward for everyone. Mary got all of us together and tried to get all of us to talk it out. Karen apologized to me but it was kind of a halfhearted apology. I told them (Karen and Jay) that I was avoiding them because I was, quite frankly, scared of them. I didn't wanna accidentally say the wrong thing and get yelled at by Karen again.
When Jay heard that I was scared of him, he seemed actually crushed. I felt so bad, even if I meant it in the moment. He didn't say anything else for this entire discussion (the one where we were meant to TALK THIS OUT). Mary asked him what he wanted to do going forward and he said "no contact."
I was really crushed, but I was willing to accept it. The email I sent was super bitchy, and every time I think about it I feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed.
After talking for another hour or so (where Jay said nothing), I told him bye, since we would be going no contact after that. I was SOBBING. He took back the no contact thing (I think?) because he then said, "If she wants to talk to me, she knows where to find me." (He was referring to me in the third person).
This was over two years ago. I haven't said a single word to him since. I've still seen him on campus a couple times since then, and it's been so hard fighting the urge to just smile or wave or anything. Since I want to respect his wishes, I just have pretended that I haven't seen him (ya know, the no contact thing). I've noticed that he does double takes whenever he has seen me, though, and he still has that look like he wants to talk to me.
To be honest, though, the guilt has been EATING ME UP. I've never actually apologized to him, and there wasn't ever any resolution to the end of our friendship. I really miss him.
I'm still friends with some of the other people in our former friend group (that are apparently still friends with him) and they say that he has never brought me up once since the big fight. That either means that
- he's over it and I don't matter to him anymore (or it just doesn't affect him at all).
or 2. I've hurt him so badly that he just doesn't ever want to talk about it ever.
This leads to my problem: should I reach out and apologize to him?
I sent him an apology text a few months ago, but he blocked me (probably after the big fight) and didn't actually receive it. I know this because the text said "delivered" right away (the Apple update: it says "delivered" IMMEDIATELY when you're blocked. I looked it up).
So, I have two options:
- Do nothing and let the guilt and regret keep eating me up.
Or 2. Potentially break boundaries and reach out to apologize for real this time. I would DM on instagram (I'm not blocked on instagram) or talk to him in person. Since some of my friends are still friends with him, it wouldn't be hard to see him in person.
I'm not sure if reaching out would be breaking boundaries or not, to be honest. I'm not sure if he meant the "no contact" thing, since he back tracked later on. The last thing I want to do is make him uncomfortable or come off like a creep or something (the same reason why I don't want to say anything in person).
Of course, I would love to be friends again, but I also understand that that's unrealistic and naive. All I want to do is apologize. I know my actions might have been justified in the moment, but something being justified doesn't necessarily mean that it was the right thing to do.
So, I would love some advice: should I reach out and apologize to my former best friend?