Am I asexual, or is it my depression?
Hello all,
Please let me know if any of the content being discussed in here should be worded differently or aren’t allowed to be mentioned. I mean no harm. I would also like to apologize for the huge amount of text below.
I’m a 20 year old trans man who’s been on T for 5 years. I’ve had depression since the age of 12 and I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend since July of 2024. I adore this girl, she’s like nobody else and we get along like lifelong best friends, we also of course kiss a lot which I enjoy and we are quite lovey dovey in general.
Now, the question above arises from the fact that I don’t really feel sexual feelings or desires toward my girlfriend. She has a high libido and sometimes I do feel like being sexually intimate, just because I think it’s fine at those moments. However, usually I don’t feel like it at all. I think her body is absolutely beautiful from her head to her toes, I adore every little detail about her face and her body. But I just don’t get that sexual desire. She doesn’t excite me in a sexual way, I never “crave” her like that.
Now I do want to note that this is my first ever relationship, so I can’t compare any amounts of sexual attraction and desire to the amount I would have had toward another partner.
When I think about other times where I would’ve expected myself to feel such things, is when I see other people who I think look good. I do have an eye for specific types of people, and I can think “they’re so charming/cute/attractive” etc, but I never think “They look hot, I want to do them” or things like that.
Other people don’t excite me like that. I can become horny and masturbate to things that I know I like, and that feels fine when I do so. I also very often fantasise about me having sexual desires and feelings for my girlfriend and how I would behave, but I just don’t get that feeling at all, which saddens me. My girlfriend wants to feel desired sexually, but she doesn’t get that from me, which makes her feel unwanted.
The depression has been present since the age of 12 as I mentioned, and it’s had its ups and downs. I currently feel pretty good, I’m not medicated as of a year ago and I don’t feel like I need meds right now either. The depression causes me emotional numbness, with and without medication, and that has been a thing for a long time.
Now, I don’t think sexual attraction and sexual desires are emotions, but I have read that depression can cause little to no libido. But I don’t recall ever having felt sexual attraction and associated desires. So the question is, could I be asexual, or is it the depression that causes me to have no libido and therefore no sexual attraction and feelings? Does no libido = no sexual attraction? I feel lost when it comes to this, and it feels devastating.