u/ImpossibleDonut007

After years of workplace trauma being forced to work with people who just cannot grasp the importance of basic things like workplace safety, efficiency, customer service, following the law, etc., I felt like I had hit the jackpot doing massage therapy and being able to afford a decent lifestyle. Basically I get paid to regulate my nervous system, meditate, and dream about my future while massaging people. I don’t have to worry about some insecure coworker or narcissistic boss sabotaging me because my genuine effort to improve the workplace hurts their fragile ego. Instead I get to work directly with clients and am rarely subjected to bizarre workplace politics and hierarchies. Sounds perfect, right?

But lately I’m finding myself walking a very tight rope: conversations with clients. I am SO intellectually curious and so incredibly mentally under-stimulated at work. Most clients just want a massage, so I need to play mute. And the ones who are chatty can be a liability, because you just never know the rare occasion when some personality-disordered client is going to get triggered over literally nothing and then use their own unresolved trauma and try and get you fired and get a refund. Do I remember the hundreds of variations of, “This was the best massage of my life” compliments? Of course not. Will a whopping two complaints, outrageously exaggerated and abusive, replay in my mind even on my deathbed? Yes. Yes, they will.

Even as an introvert, I’m slowly losing my mind at this job. So I applied for another university degree (a Master’s this time) starting in the fall in a completely unrelated field. Anyway, at this point I don’t even care if I end up working in that field or what debt I might take on for what could end up yet another useless degree. I simply need to be challenged, and I’m dying to converse with intelligent people. I don’t want to feel like a selfish @ss for using a client to satisfy my own need for mental stimulation, and the other massage therapists just can’t quite meet me there.

Can anyone else relate to this? How are you keeping yourself sane?

Hi everyone. High-masking AuDHD here. I’m struggling this morning and could use some reassurance or insight or encouragement, or just something positive.

Recently I’ve gone 4 years at one part-time job and 3.5 years at the other without being bullied. This is a record for me. For context, I’m in my mid 40’s. I’m undercover, as I call it, because the last few jobs where I disclosed, I wasn’t believed, and the bullying intensified. I was constantly changing jobs and broke and completely traumatized, so now I just do everything I can, not to become a target. Generally it’s a dark triad/tetrad that leads the witch-hunt, but sometimes NT’s and even ND’s can become flying monkeys, so I view everyone as a potential security risk, so to speak.

I recently got 3 glowing letters of recommendation for my grad school application (I’m going back for a third degree), and it’s a bittersweet feeling. I’m so well-liked and well-respected and NO ONE has any idea just how hard I work every single to day to follow every social cue, how much I fake interest, how much of myself I hold back so as not to accidentally offend anyone. I’m improv acting, all day, every day. It’s exhausting. I haven’t figured out yet with which NT’s and to what degree I can begin to be slightly more authentic with without stepping on someone’s emotional landmine and blowing my cover. Generally I feel safe with other obvious ND’s and some NT’s who also fawn constantly due to cPTSD. But as for the “normies,” it’s all just a guessing game to me.

Lately some NT’s are making more effort to get to know me, and I feel shy. I think sometimes I come off as uninterested when I’m actually just trying to postpone what I fear is the inevitable.

I’d like to begin learning to unmask- maybe some place where the stakes are low, like the grocery store- but I feel so scared. 😢

I’m also nervous about going back to school, because sometimes ADHD overrides my ability to resist the urge to ask questions and dominate discussions. I just hate that I can’t be a perfect human, no matter how hard I try.