I have mental illness caused by a lifetime of traumatic incidents and I have slowly accepted my quirks and stopped blaming myself for saying weird things and embarrassing myself when I blurt things and overshare. My mind is racing right now and I was hoping to chat with others who are online and might understand.
I had a job interview about two weeks ago that went horribly wrong. I was really hopeful about it but it ended up being infront of a panel of three women. It started going okay until I said a few things that it appeared they did not like and they made groaning/disappointed noises. I experienced what seems to have been a panic attack and dissociated. At the time, I couldn't see and was staring ahead. I started acting like an extremely drunk person and started oversharing and telling jokes. It was like I was blurting everything out and couldn't control myself. I told them about my whole life. I acted in an over-exaggerated and comedic manner. Eventually, I stopped talking and said "I'm back" when I came to. I had little recollection of everything I had just said but told them that I would probably start remembering stuff over the next week or so. Thankfully they were cool and did not really judge me. I appeared like a strange character from a movie who was doing a sililoquy.
This is not the first time this has happened. One similar incident occured during the first day of the semester during university. I panicked and did pretty much the same thing infront of the entire class while seated at my desk. My professor asked "Is this performance art?" and the students in the room discussed their "favourite part" of my "stand-up routine" on their way out of class. Back then I was horribly embarrassed and blamed myself. I had no idea why it happened and I felt like an idiot. Now I realize that it is some form of dissociation that happens in response to anxiety. It also happened one time when I was nervous to talk to the RA from my dorm hall. I had shared all sorts of embarrassing stories. But in that instance, he misunderstood and it was really bad because he got turned on by something that I said and ordered me to go into his room. I declined and he got angry and started yelling like a drill sargent in my face. But I was so scared that I could not see and I was mentally fucked up for months after it happened.
When this happens, I have no filter at all and can't control what I am saying. Others have said that I come across like Jim Carrey or a really drunk Robin from How I Met Your Mother. I have a psychiatrist appointment coming up this month and I want to know how I should bring this up with him. My diagnosis is Avoidant Personality Disorder but I suspect that I also have OCD (in remission) and CPTSD.
I had a job interview about two weeks ago that went horribly wrong. I was really hopeful about it but it ended up being infront of a panel of three women. It started going okay until I said a few things that it appeared they did not like and they made groaning/disappointed noises. I experienced what seems to have been a panic attack and dissociated. At the time, I couldn't see and was staring ahead. I started acting like an extremely drunk person and started oversharing and telling jokes. It was like I was blurting everything out and couldn't control myself. I told them about my whole life. I acted in an over-exaggerated and comedic manner. Eventually, I stopped talking and said "I'm back" when I came to. I had little recollection of everything I had just said but told them that I would probably start remembering stuff over the next week or so. Thankfully they were cool and did not really judge me. I appeared like a strange character from a movie who was doing a sililoquy.
This is not the first time this has happened. One similar incident occured during the first day of the semester during university. I panicked and did pretty much the same thing infront of the entire class while seated at my desk. My professor asked "Is this performance art?" and the students in the room discussed their "favourite part" of my "stand-up routine" on their way out of class. Back then I was horribly embarrassed and blamed myself. I had no idea why it happened and I felt like an idiot. Now I realize that it is some form of dissociation that happens in response to anxiety. It also happened one time when I was nervous to talk to the RA from my dorm hall. I had shared all sorts of embarrassing stories. But in that instance, he misunderstood and it was really bad because he got turned on by something that I said and ordered me to go into his room. I declined and he got angry and started yelling like a drill sargent in my face. But I was so scared that I could not see and I was mentally fucked up for months after it happened.
When this happens, I have no filter at all and can't control what I am saying. Others have said that I come across like Jim Carrey or a really drunk Robin from How I Met Your Mother. I have a psychiatrist appointment coming up this month and I want to know how I should bring this up with him. My diagnosis is Avoidant Personality Disorder but I suspect that I also have OCD (in remission) and CPTSD.