u/Ill-Journalist-2995

How is the music scene in Portland?

I want to dance and party and feel the give and take of a live band and a rowdy audience.

I have mostly worked in blue collar jobs most of my professional career. I am aiming to switch into a medical career and have started working an entry level job at a clinic. This is my first time ever really working around women and it has been a learning experience. Going from shoveling dirt for hours while listening to my coworkers talk about their time in prison to doing paperwork listening to my coworkers talk about buying school supplies for their children has been challenging. It has taken me a little while to figure out the different comedic styles.

I have tried to maintain a professional demeanor. Friendly but not prying, just show up, do my work, go home. I have been at this clinic now for a while and things were going well. I am on friendly terms with my coworkers, small talk during working hours but no real interest in stuff outside of work. It is a stressful environment and we are around each other for hours, we have that sort of comfort that comes from working together when shit hits the fan.

The problem is this other coworker. We are both in our late 20's, both single, both in similar life circumstances. She started working here a few months ago and I have been struggling with my emotions. Whenever I see her I have to fight the urge to smile like an idiot. I feel my heart pound in my chest but not with anxiety or fear, with this feeling of being alive. I get this pep in my step, work goes by easy, talking to patients is fun, the world feels bright. Talking to her is like a breath of fresh air and, to me, it feels like we have chemistry. Conversation flows easily and I love to make her laugh. I seriously feel like I did in the 6th grade with my first crush.

So a couple issues. First, I'm not good with women and romance. I have gone on dates and had casual relationships in the past, but they always fell apart. My partners would get frustrated with me and get angry and call me names, then just cut me off. That or I would just ghost them without meaning to. I shut down when stuff like life plans and children come up, or they ask me to tell them how I feel. So here is this person that feels unlike anyone I have ever met and I am terrified I am a shitty person.

Second, I have been at this job for a while, keeping everyone distant, and this coworker comes in and all I want to do is talk to her. She brought me out of my shell and now all of the sudden I am talking to my other coworkers more, sharing stuff, asking personal questions, and I hate it. They are inviting me out to grab drinks, planning dinners, and all of this other crap. Some of this stuff is in groups and platonic, some are one on one. There are some other coworkers who are single and around my age who have been giving me some pretty blatant signals, but it has been easy to shut stuff down by just being distant and professional. So now I am worried that I am getting my income too tied up with drama.

Third, if I am bad with women and feel stressed out about coworkers asking me out, how do I know I'm not doing that to this coworker who I like? The last thing I want to do is make people feel awkward or scared that the creepy coworker likes them. Like I honestly worry about how I act sometimes when I am around her, but she just makes me feel good.

I honestly don't know what to do. All of my friends are married and having kids with their highschool sweethearts, not a whole lot of advice there. I am looking at other jobs, so maybe once I leave I can shoot my shot. Not too happy about this one since I actually enjoy my job, but whatever.