“Everybody says they value honesty but nobody means it”
That is a direct quote from an ex of mine. At the time I thought it sounded manipulative, but looking back on relationships I’ve had I’ve come to think they were right.
After being diagnosed with trauma from that relationship, and having people I have considered close friends betray, lie, be two faced, gaslight, ghost, etc over the years, I no longer reach out for communication when someone feels like they are pulling away or I suspect a lie or inconsistencies. I no longer ask “can we talk?” If something is bothering me in a friendship, even if that friendship is 6 months old. Don’t get me wrong I would greatly prefer direct communication, but I do not generally expect it in my friendships, regardless of the other person.
Also when friends make promises or say they value honesty, or when they make a flattering statement about me, I no longer believe them. I don’t tell them that of course, but to me it’s empty, and I fully expect that all of my friends at some point could and would lie or discard or talk shit about me behind my back at some point, which I why I have stopped valuing people as much as I used to, and I focus on getting the most I can out of a friendship and having fun, while also ensuring I have leverage if the friendship goes south, and not investing emotionally. In fact I’d go so far as to say that regardless of how much I genuinely enjoy hanging out with some of my friends and one or two might even consider me their best friend, I would not use the label “friend” even after months of consistent hanging out as it feels too emotionally intimate.
Now I’m not saying I intentionally lie or manipulate, but I have certainly devalued my relationships and avoid putting too much trust in people period, because based on my understanding of social psych and personal experiences I do think I genuinely believe in the statement “everybody says they value honesty but nobody means it”. I think today’s “best friend” would be tomorrow’s ghoster or bully if it gave more social capital or comfort. I believe the person who makes promises will eventually break them, and I believe that most people are playing a very different social game, so I have adapted based on evidence. I enjoy people’s company and can go deep with them, but it is done while holding the belief that this person will eventually betray me so I approach relationships much more strategically. Some friends have taken an issue with this approach because it’s cynical or can read like I don’t care, but that said I feel a lot safer and more secure in relationships than I ever did in my past, and while I acknowledge their right to be upset, I think if I took the approach of clarity seeking or trust, those same people would probably be happy to burn me eventually. Has anybody else taken this approach to relationships?