u/IcyFold152

Hi! I (female, 22) have been practicing polyamory for over a year now, introduced to it by my longest-term partner (male, 27). I've had my share of problems, but I think the biggest one is that I find it very difficult not to become emotionally dependent on the person I'm closest to at any given time. This has happened to me in both my monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. My mood simply depends heavily on how I feel with the other person, the attention I receive, the priority I feel they're giving me... I feel like I always need the other person to give me levels of attention and reassurance that sometimes end up overwhelming me. Specifically, with this person (male, 27), I've had several anxiety attacks triggered by him asking for space, boundaries, or by not being able to manage the situation at that moment and needing time to think. We recently had one of these attacks, and I ended up feeling terrible. This has led him to question whether or not it's good to continue the relationship. He says he might not want to continue until he feels my mental health depends so much on him. What can I do? I'm already in therapy, and my therapist recommends self-regulation techniques and, in general, distancing myself from him to give him less priority. It's a problem because I feel that when I'm feeling down or not getting "enough attention from him," I have trouble relating to other people. Any advice?

Hola! Yo (f, 22) llevo ya más de un año practicando el poliamor, en el que me introdujo la pareja con la que más tiempo he estado vinculada (m, 27).

He tenido mis problemas pero el mayor de todos creo que es que me cuesta mucho no depender emocionalmente de la persona con la que tengo el vínculo más cercano en un momento concreto. Es algo que me ha pasado tanto en mis relaciones monógamas como no monógamas.

Simplemente mi estado de ánimo depende mucho de cómo esté con la otra persona, de la atención que reciba, de la prioridad que sienta que me está dando... Siento que siempre necesito que la otra persona me dé unos niveles de atención y de reafirmación que en ocasiones terminan abrumando.

Concretamente, con esta persona (m, 27) he tenido varias crisis de ansiedad originadas porque él me pidiese espacio, límites, o por no poder gestionar la situación en ese momento y necesitar tiempo para pensar.

Hace poco tuvimos una crisis así, y yo terminé muy mal. Eso ha ocasionado que el se plantee si es bueno o no seguir con la relación. Dice que quizás no quiere seguir hasta que no sienta que mi salud mental depende tanto de él.

¿Que puedo hacer? Ya estoy en terapia, y mi psicóloga me recomienda formas de autorregulación, y en general, separarme algo de el, para darle menos prioridad.

Es un problema, porque siento que cuando estoy mal o no estoy recibiendo "suficiente atención de el" tengo problemas para relacionarme con terceras personas.

¿Algún consejo?

Hello! I (NB, 23) started in polyamory with my partner (M, 27) about a year and a half ago. In that time, he has had encounters with many people—from kissing people at parties to a relationship with another person (F, 23) that lasted six months.

At first, especially with that longer relationship, I struggled a lot, but I worked hard to overcome fears and trauma by leaning on him, other people, and therapy. But in the last two months, every time he goes out partying—which is pretty much every weekend—he kisses someone.

I've only had one other connection besides him, and it didn't go very well, because the person I was connecting with (F, 26) had a bad relationship with my metamour—that is, with a previous partner of mine (NB, 29)—who placed many restrictions on what she could or couldn't do with me.

After that connection with that person, a couple of months ago, I started building a relationship with another person (M, 20), but it didn't go well at all because, due to his personal situation, he wasn't ready for a relationship. We really liked each other, but nothing ever happened between us, and he spent weeks building up my expectations for nothing. (Plus, in the end, he got back together with his ex, lol.)

Now, someone (F, 23) is showing interest in me, and I really like her, but after past experiences, I'm very scared. On top of that, I feel like I can't flirt with people at parties.

I'm quite depressed, I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm incapable of forming bonds with new people, and that my primary partner keeps forming them with others. What's more, I find those other people very attractive too, which makes the situation even harder: I feel jealousy and insecurity, but above all, a lot of worry that I won't be able to handle yet another weekend where I wake up to a message from him telling me who he made out with. We've agreed that he'll let me know like this, and that's not a problem for me. I think it's better to know who he's involved with and how, because the opposite has happened in the past, but now it's fine.