u/Icy-Trick-7760

So this is my biggest relapse so far. I wouldn’t say I was recovered but I was doing… better. This past week my weights gone down and I’ve been eating less and I really feel the effects from it now vs when I did years ago. I can barely stand at work bc my back kills me, I don’t have the energy to work, and I’m so dizzy and almost pass out all day. I also been having this issue where nothing is satisfying me at all. I’m just hungry. Starving and no matter what I eat it doesn’t help. Idk how to get over this I feel like now that I am deep in this relapse I don’t know how to reverse it again without feeling absolutely horrible about myself

So this is my biggest relapse so far. I wouldn’t say I was recovered but I was doing… better. This past week my weights gone down and I’ve been eating less and I really feel the effects from it now vs when I did years ago. I can barely stand at work bc my back kills me, I don’t have the energy to work, and I’m so dizzy and almost pass out all day. I also been having this issue where nothing is satisfying me at all. I’m just hungry. Starving and no matter what I eat it doesn’t help. Idk how to get over this I feel like now that I am deep in this relapse I don’t know how to reverse it again without feeling absolutely horrible about myself.

I genuinely have hit the lowest point in my life. I am so incredibly miserable everyday and have mental breakdowns and cry all day and hate everything about my life. I need to recover. I want to. But I literally cannot get myself to. I need a push and I don’t know how to do it. It’s all I want. I want happiness I’m wasting the best years of my life due to this stupid disorder. I genuinely don’t know how to get over this.

I literally was on vacation for a whole week. I ate out everyday sometimes twice a day. I literally ate so much more than I do at home. I was happy I wasn’t having my random outbursts of anger or attitude. I ate freely and enjoyed it. I didn’t even see a difference in my body. The scale even only went up >!1 lb!< which I think is water weight anyway especially since my period is in two days. But now that I’ve been home ive fallen into old habits. I’m restricting again bc I feel like I’m going to gain with the amount I’m eating which like isn’t even close to what I was on vacation and even if it was my body clearly didn’t gain from it. why is my brain like this. I thought I was finally getting somewhere.

So obviously not completely. But I am on vacation and I have been eating breakfast lunch and dinner. More than I would at home. It feels so good to just enjoy food again. I still feel guilty as hell after but it doesn’t last long tbh. I am walking a ton so I feel that is helping but I swear i definitely am going way over than I use to eat at home. My first day here was rough and I was crying and miserable and told myself why would I ruin my vacation and memories for a stupid disorder. I’m just really worried about what the scale will say when I’m Back home but tbh this is just so nice to eat like I did before this disorder. It feels so freeing. I honestly hope this kick starts recovery when I get home.