u/IHatemyMother_5731

I don't know what caused this. I have DID which means I have Dissociative Amnesia and can't remember whatever caused this. I don't know what to think about this and I'm definitely not going to dig in memories because my role as a backup host will be taken if I do. Anyway...

I've been touching myself since I was 6 years old (probably younger). I don't know how I knew what to do or what would stimulate things but I did. I also had a fetish for childbirth at like 4-6 and often played games with a friend that involved me pretending to be in Labour. I have had a severe fear of childbirth my entire life and even tried to be a boy at 3. I cut my hair and told my mother I didn't want to be a girl because I didn't want to be a mother. She yelled at me so bad that day...

I got my first actual toy at 15 because I told my mother I had been using a hairbrush handle and she told me it was disgusting to do that so I kind of harassed her one night and kept telling her to buy me a toy. The next day she asked me to measure the handle to see what size and so I did and it was 5 inches so she got me 5 inch toy. Then my older sister broke the toy like weeks after I got it because she hated that I had one. (Idfk what her problem is.) I had to bother mother to get me another one and then another one after that because that one broke and the batteries wouldnt work with it anymore.

Ever since I got my first toy I've not exactly been easy on myself. Id force my body through things for long times because I just couldn't feel much. With one pair of alters they hurt our back and we had to deal with that for 4 days. Then a few other times we started bleeding because of how much we hurt the body to get off which barely worked.

Tonight we tried but a female alter with Sexual Assault trauma in her pseudo memories was fronting with me. I'm hypersexual in my pseudo memories (despite not really getting horny in this life because I'm guessing the brain wanted me to be asexual) and I tried to use the toy, but it hurt. It stung so bad and felt like a damn wall. My period ended recently and also maybe it's just her holding the somatic trauma memories without the actual memories of whatever could have caused our body to be like this... But it's seriously annoying.

We don't know what to do. How would we fix an issue we don't even know the root cause of? We've been like this for so long and it feels impossible to fix.

As a system myself her line about "Voices in her head" and even arguing with them because they're trying to make sure she doesn't kill the body (Trying to protect her as Alters are supposed to do) is making my alarm bells go off. Her general behavior is often risky and self-destructive, she maked horrible life choices as the Host, and the Voices are "always telling me I'm wrong about something". Considering they're always arguing with her instead of just Hijacking front she could be P-DID instead of Full DID, but then again we don't get deep enough into her behavior to know if they actually do switch or not. Her childhood definitely left scars which is why she's so unstable and we can't disprove that it wasn't bad enough to cause DID so... What do y'all think about this?