u/IGotTheMoves1

He came back and made my heart jump because I thought he had changed his mind. I thought maybe he had processed things because he’s avoidant. I truly believed everything was finally going to work from now on…He went silent the next day and I found out he only came back because he got rejected by a girl he dated during our break.

How the fuck can I be so stupid? The anger inside me is enormous. I feel like such a fool. I feel rejected, invisible, betrayed. It hurts so much. All I want is revenge, because I cannot process this level of pain and humiliation. How do you even apply radical acceptance when your whole body is crushing under the weight of rejection? Please tell me how to accept something like this without destroying myself.

Hello. I am new here but I’ve been diagnosed with BPD for a few years now. Please don’t judge my english because I’m european. I'm in a relationship with an autistic + avoidant man and It's killing me inside. I feel lost in a dark place, begging for warmth that never truly comes. When he touches me, I look into his eyes searching for something soft, something real, something that says I am here with you but I see nothing. And every touch feels like a blade gently pressed against my old wounds, reopening them. Then he pulls away. Always. And this is an agony I carry before, during, and after every moment with him. Even while he holds me, my heart is already anticipating the silence that follows, the unanswered messages, the disappearing for days, the sudden emptiness after closeness. I make love with grief. It sends me back when I was a child crying for closeness while another part prepares for abandonment. This pain is older than him. And then I am questioning myself...what if these small gestures are enormous acts of vulnerability for him?What if I am standing in front of a good man, asking him to love in a language he was never taught to speak? BUT my heart does not understand restraint. I need softness, reassurance, warmth that stays. And I keep starving beside someone who may genuinely care for me but cannot reach me in the way my soul is begging to be reached. So I live trapped between two unbearable fears: the fear of staying and slowly bleeding to death from emotional pain…and the fear of leaving someone who never truly meant to hurt me..and what if he loves me ? I overanalyze his eyes, his voice, the time he takes to reply, the way he holds me, the way he lets go. I search desperately for certainty in places where certainty never comes. And little by little, I feel myself losing my mind inside the confusion. Because love should not feel this cold!

Hello. I am new here but I’ve been diagnosed with BPD for a few years now. Please don’t judge my english because I’m european. I'm in a relationship with an autistic + avoidant man and It's killing me inside. I feel lost in a dark place, begging for warmth that never truly comes. When he touches me, I look into his eyes searching for something soft, something real, something that says I am here with you but I see nothing. And every touch feels like a blade gently pressed against my old wounds, reopening them. Then he pulls away. Always. And this is an agony I carry before, during, and after every moment with him. Even while he holds me, my heart is already anticipating the silence that follows, the unanswered messages, the disappearing for days, the sudden emptiness after closeness. I make love with grief. It sends me back when I was a child crying for closeness while another part prepares for abandonment. This pain is older than him. And then I am questioning myself...what if these small gestures are enormous acts of vulnerability for him?What if I am standing in front of a good man, asking him to love in a language he was never taught to speak? BUT my heart does not understand restraint. I need softness, reassurance, warmth that stays. And I keep starving beside someone who may genuinely care for me but cannot reach me in the way my soul is begging to be reached. So I live trapped between two unbearable fears: the fear of staying and slowly bleeding to death from emotional pain…and the fear of leaving someone who never truly meant to hurt me..and what if he loves me ? I overanalyze his eyes, his voice, the time he takes to reply, the way he holds me, the way he lets go. I search desperately for certainty in places where certainty never comes. And little by little, I feel myself losing my mind inside the confusion. Because love should not feel this cold!