u/HyNohks

Oh boy this is going to be a long ass text. You can skip the post if you don't want to read 5 entire book pages worth of me explaining my whole life and studying issues&worries like the "My name is kira yoshikage.." monologue.

Also tagged post as NSFW because it has slight mentions of sexual addictions towards the end, its not NSFW as a whole.

-----

First of all, I have to give context about myself. I have been spoiled by my parents ever since I was a child, not once did they even bother try to get me to study, or have self discipline. I actually remember hearing this phrase from my mom a lot : "You're smart, I know you, you can achieve anything as long as you want, I get you don't feel like studying now, you can start whenever you feel like it, I won't force you, you'll know when to start. You're not like the others" and this has been literally said to me ever since fucking second grade all the way to 11th grade. That goddamn motive has been like a curse on me, of course, after a certain age I had free will and could've changed but I didn't because I LOVE comfort and couldn't be bothered to do anything thats worth a try, also, I loved just not having that responsibility and just blaming my parents. On 12th grade when I realized I'm fucked and my mom randomly decided to change her motives and told me to study (I've already decided I'll take a gap year and "lock in" at that time") so you can damn well guess that was time wasted. A life spent in private schools, carried by money, 0 discipline or awareness of life and 0 worries about grades since they were always inflated just like my classmates.

I literally have learnt the multiplication chart at the age of fucking 18 (2025 december btw), at the beginning of my gap year. Obviously I'm not that bad anymore and have progressed quite good, I've finished my way to topics from elementary school math all to like square root and currently at the end of middle school math and entering high school math but this is not the main problem. I've found my goal, which university and department to study at. The problem is, while its definitely not impossible, its a quite high goal. I'm supposed to surpass 500k people in my national university entrance exam and enter the first 30k in my category. I'm also supposed to progress all the way to advanced mathematics like integral, logarithm, advanced functions and trigonometry before 2027 May, and supposed to be very good at them and solve them fast because of limited time. My geometry is currently at pythagorean theorem, euclid's theorem etc.

**Here's my main problem.** I'm a manchild who's about to become 19 next month (I genuinely cannot even accept the fact I'm becoming 20 next year, it genuinely sounds like a very serious age and I still feel like 16-17) and still can't be bothered to wake up in the morning, wash my face, brush my teeth, have breakfast, who still thinks he's entitled to everything, life's supposed to go easy on him because it's been "unfair" for him to grow like this, and can't even sit in front of of a fucking math book or whatever I'm supposed to study, read without having every single attention span issues in the literature like instantly getting bored, daydreaming about scenarios very realistically, random song playing in head, randomly thinking about porn, deciding whether I should continue studying or go rub one out etc.

The thing is, I go to a psychologist every week and have told him my whole life, even my thought processes like he literally knows everything about me, more than my mom or dad. Yet only thing I keep hearin him say is "I get it, but there isn't a specific solution or magic to get you motivated and disciplined. I can only help you understand causes behind your problems, help you get rid of those problems yourself and help you find out what to do next. I also sometimes feel like not coming to my clinic, have fun all day but I still wake up and do what I'm supposed to do. Its all about choices"

I genuinely don't know what to do >!~~(or maybe I do know exactly what to do but still don't want to bear the slightest suffering although it has been quite a good progression for a person like me)~~!< and even if I know, I still can't help it, its like my free will is so weak I find myself turning to my old habits while actively trying to change. I also feel behind in life because of this, I sometimes think "All my peers have been teached how to self discipline and/or study ever since they were a child, one way or another. I'm at this big age trying to compete with a middle schoolers discipline level, why bother its already too late" and that thought always demotivates me.

(I tagged post with NSFW because it mentions a sexual addiction towards the ends, it's not NSFW as a whole)

First of all, I have to give context about myself. I have been spoiled by my parents ever since I was a child, not once did they even bother try to get me to study, or have self discipline. I actually remember hearing this phrase from my mom a lot : "You're smart, I know you, you can achieve anything as long as you want, I get you don't feel like studying now, you can start whenever you feel like it, I won't force you, you'll know when to start. You're not like the others" and this has been literally said to me ever since fucking second grade all the way to 11th grade. That goddamn motive has been like a curse on me, of course, after a certain age I had free will and could've changed but I didn't because I LOVE comfort and couldn't be bothered to do anything thats worth a try, also, I loved just not having that responsibility and just blaming my parents. On 12th grade when I realized I'm fucked and my mom randomly decided to change her motives and told me to study (I've already decided I'll take a gap year and "lock in" at that time") so you can damn well guess that was time wasted. A life spent in private schools, carried by money, 0 discipline or awareness of life and 0 worries about grades since they were always inflated just like my classmates.

I literally have learnt the multiplication chart at the age of fucking 18 (2025 december btw), at the beginning of my gap year. Obviously I'm not that bad anymore and have progressed quite good, I've finished my way to topics from elementary school math all to like square root and currently at the end of middle school math and entering high school math but this is not the main problem. I've found my goal, which university and department to study at. The problem is, while its definitely not impossible, its a quite high goal. I'm supposed to surpass 500k people in my national college entrance exam and enter the first 30k in my category. I'm also supposed to progress all the way to advanced mathematics like integral, logarithm, advanced functions and trigonometry before 2027 May, and supposed to be very good at them and solve them fast because of limited time. My geometry is currently at pythagorean theorem, euclid's theorem etc.

Here's my main problem. I'm a manchild who's about to become 19 next month (I genuinely cannot even accept the fact I'm becoming 20 next year, it genuinely sounds like a very serious age and I still feel like 16-17) and still can't be bothered to wake up in the morning, wash my face, brush my teeth, have breakfast, who still thinks he's entitled to everything, life's supposed to go easy on him because it's been "unfair" for him to grow like this, and can't even sit in front of of a fucking math book or whatever I'm supposed to study, read without having every single attention span issues in the literature like instantly getting bored, daydreaming about scenarios very realistically, random music playing in head, randomly thinking about porn, deciding whether I should continue studying or go rub one out etc.

The thing is, I go to a psychologist every week and have told him my whole life, even my thought processes like he literally knows everything about me, more than my mom or dad. Yet only thing I keep hearin him say is "I get it, but there isn't a specific solution or magic to get you motivated and disciplined. I can only help you understand causes behind your problems, help you get rid of those problems yourself and help you find out what to do next. I also sometimes feel like not coming to my clinic, have fun all day but I still wake up and do what I'm supposed to do. Its all about choices"

I genuinely don't know what to do >!(~~~~or maybe I do know exactly what to do but still don't want to bear the slightest suffering although it has been quite a good progression for a person like me)!< and even if I know, I still can't help it, its like my free will is so weak I find myself turning to my old habits while actively trying to change. I also feel behind in life because of this, I sometimes think "All my peers have been teached how to self discipline and/or study ever since they were a child, one way or another. I'm at this big age trying to compete with a middle schoolers discipline level, why bother its already too late" and that thought always demotivates me.

Its ironic I got every single motivational advice from even instagram reels and still don't do anything about it.

Tyt en iyi 49 net geldi aytyi hiç sormayın tarih edebiyat kötü coğrafya eh yani sosyal dersler yine taşıyor süre yönetimim kötü mat ve geo çalışıyorum bayadır ama antrenmanlarla mat-2 büyük ihtimal temmuz gibi bitecek tytye başlayıp ayt derken bir yandam sosyalden de baya çalışmam lazım dershane düşünüyorum dershane dönüşü de ders yaparım

TYT fen en az 8 net yapmam lazım şu an 0ım o konuda

biliyorum gidişat kötü fakat bir şekilde yks 27'de ea ilk30k yapmam lazım obp 83 ders çalışma alışkanlığım kötü aile içi mevzular vs. derken hep boka sarıyor bir şeyler bıktım amk herkes üniye gitti bir enayi ben kaldım hepsi hayatı yaşıyor yks dertleri yok hayat onlara güzel amk bıktım gerçekten bıktım

tyt türkçe iyi net geliyor (28~33) ama bütün süremi yiyor amk paragraf soruları özellikle overthink atmak için tasarlanmış

Dil bilgim ses bilgisinden sonra yok ondan zarf, tümleç özne vs. bilmiyorum

ne yapıcam bilmiyorum bıktım hayattan usandım millet götünü yırtıyor ben hala basit geo sorularında gidiyorum