u/HeartbrokenCrybaby

i can’t stop crying, i feel nauseous, my heart hurts and feels like its straining and struggling to pump, every muscle in my body is so tense it feels like my bones might break, my entire being feels like one long perpetual panic attack

none of this makes sense, i’m so confused, i can’t wrap my head around it, all of this is just so illogical and nonsensical, i keep searching for some explanation, some answer that will help me understand or fix this

i am desperate

i love her so much

we loved each other so much

we were so sweet and loving

she said she loved me and she didn’t want to do this, then why do it?? why not fight for us?? i fought so hard for us

i wanted so desperately to make things work

we could have made things work

i would have done anything for her and she knew it, she knew how committed i was to her and our love, she herself said “i could murder someone and you still wouldn’t breakup with me”

why would she do this to us? why would she do this to me?

she promised me forever and that she’d never leave and abandon me

she knew full well about my fear and abandonment issues, that doing this would be my worse nightmare

how could she do this to me? how could she make me live my worse nightmare? i would never do this to her

i love her so much

i loved her so much

all i ever did was pour love and sweetness into her, i knew her life was hard so i loved her enough to make up for those around her failing her

how could she be unhappy?

i poured my heart and soul into making her feel loved, she said i was the best thing to ever happen to her, she said i made her want to be good, she said i was her dream girl, she said i was the only good thing in her life, she said i was the only person in her life who cared and listened and understood

how can she claim to be unhappy? how can she claim i cause her so much stress she’s losing weight and her hair is falling out because of me??

she suddenly claims i’m not considerate of her, just like everyone else

i have alarms set up throughout the day to remind her to eat because she often forgets, i have a note detailing all her favorite things and notable facts about her, i spent months designing and hand crafting a surprise for her based on one of her interests

but somehow now i’m so inconsiderate and that was one of the reasons she was so unhappy?

i loved her so softly, so sweetly, so gently to make up for the harshness of the abusive family she’s stuck with

i loved her i loved her i loved her i loved her

i loved her so much

i’m beyond devastated

i’m so devastated that i refuse to go to the hospital despite the intense pain and strain felt in my heart in hopes that whatever is going on puts an end to my suffering

i apologize for how incredibly long this is but i am desperate for answers, please read

my girlfriend has always been very loving, sweet, caring, empathetic and had the patience of a saint.

she would write me the sweetest handwritten letters and declarations of love, she told me i was her dream girl, the best thing to happen to her, the one good thing in her life, that she needed me, she wanted a life and future with me and wanted to live with me, that i even changed her view on marriage and i made her want to be good.

she promised me forever, that she’d never leave or abandon me.

we were incredibly loving and sweet with each other, always together, each-others comfort, safe space, and best friend.

a year ago, she came to me telling me she was unhappy. of course, i freaked out, the woman i loved was unhappy! i felt i was failing her as a partner and i was terrified of losing her! but after talks, she came to the conclusion it wasn’t me or our relationship she was unhappy with, it was the untreated depression coloring everything.

i tried to get her to seek treatment but she has put it off the entire time we were together.

in the following year, because of my untreated audhd, i was highly sensitive, highly (intensely) emotional, very sad, and very anxious. all while being painfully self aware.

think being in this perpetual state of pms, except there was never anger.

at most, i’d get pouty and mildly annoyed.

it was 98% sadness, insecurity, anxiety.

i required a lot of comforting and reassurance, which was given to me via direct talks and reassurance against my anxious thoughts.

i was always completely honest and direct about my thoughts and feelings (this made me feel x, did you mean it to? / this seemed like y, was it intended as y?) , we’d discuss them, then move on.

during the times these symptoms would show up, i would apologize profusely and she’d assure me it was no big deal, that if it was me she could weather any storm, that there was no need to apologize, she was a tough cookie and could handle a little crying, this was absolutely nothing she couldn’t handle.

other than these moments of conflict brought about by my tendency to be in a pms-like state of heightened sensitivity, sadness, anxiety and insecurity, we were very happy and chill together. incredibly sweet and loving, as always. supportive and HIGHLY communicative

fast forward; after our 3rd anniversary this year, valentine’s day, i began treatment.

i was back on my medication.

i regained my mental clarity, stability and emotional regulation! it was literally night and day.

i was better than ever.

and then, days later, she decided she needed to “reevaluate” our relationship, wether she wanted to be with me or this was healthy.

being blindsided, i broke down. we had just celebrated our anniversary, i was back on medication and more mentally sound and regulated than ever, i was chill and no longer a hypersensitive mess. why now?? what happened??

this “evaluation” turned into her becoming cold, withdrawn, and withholding affection.

she stripped her interactions with me of all warmth, love and sweetness.

she even stopped sending good morning/goodnight and i love you texts, when pointed out she said i had “conditioned” her to be uncomfortable with affection.

she asked for space to think, i gave it to her. to the best of my abilities. she’s the love of my life and i was very used to us being incredibly sweet and affectionate to eachother around the clock. it was incredibly painful trying to not be affectionate, being spoken to so coldly.

her behaviors were as if she wanted nothing to do with me and disliked me, i asked her several times if this were the case and she denied it each time.

these behaviors were VERY triggering to my fears and abandonment issues.

i was made to live out my worse nightmare in real time, so, out of desperation and agony, at times i would gently push the envelope and try to have talks about what was going on with her.

each time she would immediately start to panic and cry.

just from me gently asking if we could.

4 months go by of me enduring the agony of the love of my life holding me at arms length, withholding affection and treating me like a pariah (all feelings she was aware of, i am nothing if not communicative and honest) all while she withdraws from me to spend hours on end, at least 12+ hrs a day, buried in video games.

she said the video games were her choice of distraction and she would think while playing.

if she wasn’t playing video games, she was watching movies or shows with our friends on discord all while (or even directly after) declining to do the same with me, citing reasons like not feeling well, being too tired or wanting to focus on her game.

anyway, 4 months of these behaviors go by, all while i try to cope with living my worse nightmare, the literal agony and psychological hell i was in because of my partner treating me the way she was.

one night, she was playing games and i was working on art and getting slightly frustrated what i was working on wasn’t coming out right.

i sent a message saying “brain literally not letting anything come out right”, she sent very dry and cold messages of comfort, i replied “can you comfort me a little more warmly dhdkkdd”.

she did.

having to ask my girlfriend, who i had known to be this incredible source of warmth and comfort and so loving and sweet, for literal crumbs of warmth made me sad.

i communicated this, which took her a while to notice because she was preoccupied with her game.

she asked me what was wrong

i told her “just really want love and warmth.”

she responded “I understand”

i waited a few minutes expecting her to go on, when she didn’t i sent “…”

she responded “I am genuinely just going to burst into tears i dont know why you keep trying to pressure me and push the boundaries ive had to express to you multiple different occasions.

“oh my god”

“It’s starting to make me so uncomfortable im so fucking serious can you stop.”

“i am trying so hard”

“Venting to me when I cant do anything about it just makes me feel worse”

“it has been nearly four months of this please, i am trying so hard”

which led to us both being upset

the next morning, her birthday, she sent me a long letter breaking up with me

she said she was unhappy, has been for a while, was miserable, anxious and stressed to the point she was losing weight and her hair was falling out.

none of which made sense to me given that she would often tell me the only time she really felt happy, at peace, understood, heard and cared for was when she was with me, her life was so much better with me in it and i was the best thing to happen to her

i was also reminding her to eat around the clock because she would often forget to (i even set alarms!)

but now she was saying i made her unhappy, i stressed her out and made her anxiety, i was making her lose weight and her hair fall out, i wasn’t considerate, i made her uncomfortable with affection (days prior to the start of all of this we were being as sweet and affectionate as usual! she expressed wanting to cuddle me so badly it was making her cry!)

this sudden 180 has me wondering if this might be a manic episode

after googling, i found that lot of the behavior seems to match up with what’s described as “Bipolar Discard”

additional context:

one of her brothers is diagnosed bipolar, he is being medicated now

she has had a very turbulent and traumatic childhood, which she has been having a severe mental health episode about for the last.. since sometime mid-last year.

i would continuously encourage seeking treatment and she would agree and procrastinate on and then eventually decline, citing bad experiences with doctors.

she lives at home with abusive parents, one being an alcoholic she fears physical abuse from

prior to our anniversary, her family’s fate was in the balance because of a fake scandal started by a stalker one of her parent’s acquired

in the last few months she has been having additional family troubles that she hasn’t opened up to me about (which is odd, we would confide and come to each other for support about EVERYTHING) but has alluded to numerous times as sources of stress and distraught.

she insists the year of me being unmedicated has nothing to do with this