Hey, I really need to get all of this off my chest. Right now I have given up on life.
I am only 31 and actually have my life together - or so it seems. Nobody from outside would assume that I am about to end my own life. I am loved and supported by my family, have many friends, a stable and good job, that allows me to only work part time and still have enough money for travelling. I own two adorable cats and live in a flat with my own garden. But I can’t hold a stable relationship and I am torn inside. People compliment me on my looks often, I work out and take care of myself but honestly I just hate myself and feel extremely insecure.
It all started in my childhood I guess. My dad had a very bad temper in younger years and yelled at me often, also hit me a few times. It crushed my self worth and I think the ability to trust men. I developed symptoms of the borderline personality disorder (confirmed by a therapist) and struggle immensely to hold a stable relationship.
When I turned 21 I met my first true love - D. - that ended in an absolute chaotic drama 7 years later. That man loved me with all his heart, did everything for me and really cared about me. But I developed toxic traits, broke it off a few times , manipulated him into staying with me again, yelled at him, hit him, said the worst things and was terrible jealous because of my insecurities. D. managed to stay by my side for as long as he could, because he knew I wasn’t „evil“ , rather sick. But I ultimately drove him away. From outside, our families or friends, nobody knew about how badly I treated him. People often assume I am „sweet and innocent“, which is even more screwed.
Which brings me to January 2024, when he finally found the courage to leave me. And bless D., he really deserves a better partner in his life. I became absolutely desperate though and ill. Had to leave my job for months (luckily with the support of my boss) and moved back to my parents. I lost so much weight and I just knew in my heart, that I could never love anybody again. Because of my disorder I would only hurt that person too and as much as I want a family, that is never going to happen for me. So I planned my suic*de. But months went by with family birthdays and I did not want to put them trough that at an inconcenient time.
Eventually I went back to work and in January 2025 I met A. At first I did not plan on seriously date him, because I was still planning my depart from this world and I was still grieving D. so badly. By that time I already gave some of my belongings away and sold a bunch of stuff. But A. was such a wonferful man. Never in my life did I feel so wanted. In a world of only dating, commitment issues and avoidant people - this did really feel like in the movies. Everything went too well. He made me feel SO secure, that my borderline symptoms were not even there anymore. Just like I can keep it together with friends, familys and my job, this seemed to finally work out! I was still very much depressed and grieving D. in my heart, but I said to myself „I can give up and take my life, or I give this an honest chance and try to go on living“. So I stayed. And the first half year was perfect, we never fought. By that time, he asked me to move in together and proposed the idea to start trying for a kid. Ad I have some health issues that require some time of trying. For the first time I saw light at the end of the tunnel and thought, I could actually have my own family. Which has always been my biggest wish, as I grew up in a good, but rather agressive home myself. We postponed trying though until we lived together and signed a lease. And then my borderline symptoms came right back. I can only assume that feeling so safe with him made me think, that I can be myself without him leaving. I don‘t know. But I started to lash out at him, several times right after we signed the lease. I suddenly became extremely jealous and forbid him of going to the gym with a girlfriend of this (she is married for gods sake. It was as if he didnt recognize me anymore but he got scared and cancelled the lease. We did not move in together. I then became even more insecure and things just went downhill from there on. I have to add he looks like a model, tall, super handsome, strong and works out 5 times a week. I felt trapped in my head, spiralled and saw competition everywhere: his colleagues, gym girls, at some point even my own sister in law. My borderline was right back and I did not manage to keep my emotions in control. I only yelled at him once and never cursed or did terrible things as I did with D. But it still was too much for A. He decided to leave me in February 2026.
Since then I just don‘t see a point anymore. My heart got broken twice and I am grieving two people now. Despite my job, spending time with friends and family and travelling (I am in London just now) my life feels empty and pointless. I am spending my whole day at the hotel because I feel now point in exploring the city. The only good thing in my life are my cats and animals in general. I am often volunteering at the animal shelter, also I am vegan and donate money on a regular basis. But all the suffering of animals in this world put me in another bad place mentally. Knowing I can not help enough makes me even more depressed some days. So even if I try to be a good person and „give back“ I cannot do this life anymore. With no own family and no partner by my side, who would stay. It just is not for me. I probably have things going for me, that many people would want and yet I am still depressed, desperate and torn inside. I tried therapy, I took SSRI and SRNI, I joined different clubs, do sports and so on. There is unfortunately no cure for Borderline. So my life remains empty. I simply want to leave. I guess it just is like that for some people, we are not all destined to become old and live a happy life. I am planning my depart in a way, so that nobody will feel guilty. I will leave many loving notes and do a video with the happiest moments of my life. Sell all my belongings and leave enough money for the funeral and all. I breaks my heart that I will put so many people throught that, but I can not longer live for them. I have to leave.
Thanks, to whoever took the amount of time to read this. Please be kind to each other and hold your loved ones close.