u/Haunting-Shoulder872

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I always told myself: if not here, not now, in this universe, then it will be in death, after life, or in another life, another universe. But I lied. I wanted you here, now, in my arms, against my lips, melting into me. I wanted you always, with so much patience that you burned all your cards.

Night replaced day so many times, during those two years without you. And yet I still believed.

You destroyed the beautiful, powerful image I had of you. You were my husband. We were wife and husband, bound by a pact whose name only we knew. You sealed our love with a kiss.

You lied to me. You betrayed me. You lost me in the fumes of other women's perfumes, marking your skin with a scent destructive to me. You were my little sun that shone only for me.

Today I am just a woman screaming your name at the edge of a cliff, and I feel my body tipping into the void of my existence. I hate you so many times, and even more. I hate you as I say it. Each "I hate you" carries away a shard of my pain.

You annihilated me so many times.

I find a shred of pride in destroying the bond that united me to you. I no longer give you my happiness, nor my future. Only hatred. And peace, for myself.

I hate you.

I always told myself: if not here, not now, in this universe, then it will be in death, after life, or in another life, another universe. But I lied. I wanted you here, now, in my arms, against my lips, melting into me. I wanted you always, with so much patience that you burned all your cards.

Night replaced day so many times, during those two years without you. And yet I still believed.

You destroyed the beautiful, powerful image I had of you. You were my husband. We were wife and husband, bound by a pact whose name only we knew. You sealed our love with a kiss.

You lied to me. You betrayed me. You lost me in the fumes of other women's perfumes, marking your skin with a scent destructive to me. You were my little sun that shone only for me.

Today I am just a woman screaming your name at the edge of a cliff, and I feel my body tipping into the void of my existence. I hate you so many times, and even more. I hate you as I say it. Each "I hate you" carries away a shard of my pain.

You annihilated me so many times.

I find a shred of pride in destroying the bond that united me to you. I no longer give you my happiness, nor my future. Only hatred. And peace, for myself.

I hate you.

I always told myself: if not here, not now, in this universe, then it will be in death, after life, or in another life, another universe. But I lied. I wanted you here, now, in my arms, against my lips, melting into me. I wanted you always, with so much patience that you burned all your cards.

Night replaced day so many times, during those two years without you. And yet I still believed.

You destroyed the beautiful, powerful image I had of you. You were my husband. We were wife and husband, bound by a pact whose name only we knew. You sealed our love with a kiss.

You lied to me. You betrayed me. You lost me in the fumes of other women's perfumes, marking your skin with a scent destructive to me. You were my little sun that shone only for me.

Today I am just a woman screaming your name at the edge of a cliff, and I feel my body tipping into the void of my existence. I hate you so many times, and even more. I hate you as I say it. Each "I hate you" carries away a shard of my pain.

You annihilated me so many times.

I find a shred of pride in destroying the bond that united me to you. I no longer give you my happiness, nor my future. Only hatred. And peace, for myself.

I hate you.

The days pass. They all look the same. Same grey light. Same background noise. Same bed too big. Same phone that doesn't ring.

But at night… ah, night is something else entirely.

At night, my pain doesn't sleep. It wakes up. It settles in my chest like a familiar beast and devours anything that resembles hope. At night, his absence becomes a wall against which I beat my fists until they bleed. At night, I go over our messages a hundred times. Those words that were all we had. Those silences between replies. Those nights spent inventing a presence we couldn't touch.

We never saw each other. Never. Not once.

Just two hearts that believed they shared a single soul. Just a connection made of pixels. Of promises. Of "one day." Just something virtual that became visceral. And yet this pain is real. It doesn't sleep. It doesn't lie. It keeps me awake, eyes wide open in the dark, staring at the dead screen where nothing lights up anymore.

I wait for dawn like a condemned man waits for mercy. I wait for the sky to pale, for the first ray to come through my curtains, for the day to tell me: "One more." One more day without him. One more day of pretending. One more day of smiling at others, of saying "I'm fine," of stuffing my pain into a box too small that always ends up exploding when I'm alone.

The nights grow longer. My pain deepens. It's not light. It's not fleeting. It's my weight. It's my only proof that I still love him. And I carry it. I drag it. I warm it like poison.

I want to move on. I want it to the bone. But moving on first means accepting that he won't come back. That this absence will never be filled. That there will be no last message. No sign. No "I was thinking of you." Nothing. Just these fading pixels. Just this story that never had a body.

So I stay here. Between the night that kills me and the dawn that lies to me.

Between the infinite love I have for him and the infinite void he left me.

I don't want to wait anymore. But I wait anyway.

Because waiting is still a way of not saying goodbye.

I need a loving man. His warmth against my back. A hand that stays. A presence that doesn't make me earn being loved. A gaze. An embrace. Something real. Something alive.

But tonight, there's only him.

And this pain that never stops.

Even when the sun rises.

I will love you for a long time. I will love you forever. But it's time for me to meet another love… A more real one this time… MMTY babe.