30M live alone in NL.
Now in between jobs.
I’m just too mentally unfocused and cannot focus on this. why? how to resolve this?
Too long, but would really appreciate any thoughts or advice♥️
30M Iranian in NL. came here for a PhD and finished that a month ago. looking for job and likely gonna have a temporary offer at uni and a potentially permanent one in industry.
Don’t feel good about neither. both have things I can develop in, but honestly I don’t give a damn.
right now no matter what i do, i think i made a mistake. things are at peace when I don’t do anything. which will itself hit me in a day or two for wasting time.
So far if I want to list all of what I have achieved in life I can say i’ve (1) obtained my phd at a top-3 faculty for my field, (2) been a social person and came into meaningful contact with many people and now have a few close friends I can see more frequently, (3) I migrated to a better country. (4) have like a 40k€ savings.
The 1st one could feel like an achievement before seeing a few other graduates of our department and how bad their professional character and personalities are.
The 2nd felt like an achievement before being into this job seeking period and realising how unhelpful they’ve been. to be fair i got two interviews because of those people but got only rejections. The promising interviews i have now in life are the ones i got with no reference. Also many of the friends i made are now having kids and busy with work and honestly don’t feel good chasing them for a catchup all the time.
The 3rd one comes with a survival guilt, and the 4th one is just not much.
During the past 12 years I had several stages of depression right after starting new education steps (i mean BSc MSc PhD) and probably another one is coming after whatever job i will endup doing.
Two years ago in my 3rd therapy session series attempt I was diagnosed with autism. after reading a lot i see bits that match my personality like for instance the reason for depression after each big life changes. but in real life decisions this label doesn’t really help with anything.
I like making a family. I had two serious relationships and the more serious one ended up to a break up because of the migration 6 years ago. I’ve been on dating apps for 3-4 years now with nothing coming out of them. My older brother is single like me living somewhere else in the world and makes me think maybe there is something undateable in my genes.
I have former phd friends that by now have kids, bought house, and have jobs and seem knowing what they want from life.
This pretty much describes the situation. can u relate? is there hopes i can find reasons to live?