u/Green_butterfly444

26f, I've been celibate for almost a year and 1/2 after my last relationship. I did it to protect and guard my heart, but also push myself to make better decisions in dating. I thought I'd only be celibate for a year, but the more it goes on, the more I'm kinda scared because why do I not have a drive anymore?! I think things like (do I still know how to have sex? Will I be able to have a sex drive or desire anymore? If I'm mellowing myself out instead of enjoying or being open to sex?).

I've had opportunities and turned them down because I think it's all those guys really wanted anyway, but I got to the point where I'm just lonely, and even if it's just to cuddle, that's enough for me. Sex is so far from my mind that it stopped being a want. However, it's not always the case for guys, dating a guy, he wasn't pushy, I spent the night at his house, and nothing happened, we kissed and stuff, but I just didn't feel a drive for him. He didn't turn me on, I just wanted to be close to someone, and I feel so awkward because I feel so withdrawn sexually, I'm nervous I made myself asexual or something (didn't help he had a small guy if you know what I mean), but I just felt grossed out. I just keep thinking about his "want to f eyes," and I cringe badly. I don't really want anything with anyone, and it's weird, since I used to have a really high drive.

I am trying a new therapist after stopping therapy for a year and 1/2 because I had an off relationship with my last one, and it made me stop for a while. We're three sessions in, and the intro was super good, the 2nd session was a bit bland, she didn't talk as much, and there were a lot of silences, and I just finished up the 3rd session, and I feel off. She's not bad, but it seems like I'm just talking; she's really silent, and I almost keep rambling or say things because of how quiet it gets. I feel the urge to fill the space. After 45 seconds to a minute of silence, it feels uneasy and sucks. When she does talk, it's comforting, but she doesn't really talk, and it makes me anxious because I don't know what I should be doing, getting from this, or working on. I don't want to just trauma dump; I really do want to fix and improve my life. What do I do, and how do I know when it's time to change? I'm not sure if it's a good or bad dynamic. And truly, it sucks because I'm not eager to trauma dump to a new therapist. I want it to work, so I'm just confused about what I should do next.