Is this a red flag? Should I be worried?
To give some context, three years ago I left my abusive partner. It was four terrible years of physical and mental abuse, and things I don’t even want to begin to describe because of how awful they are.
Seven months ago, I met someone who lived in another country; so far, everything has gone well, with its ups and downs. We met in person recently and everything went wonderfully; he treated me very well and we made it official. However, a few weeks ago he said something I haven’t been able to get out of my head.
I made a comment to him about how some women find the word ‘female’ offensive (my first language isn’t English, unlike his). He was surprised because it was something he said he didn’t know.
This led to a conversation about gender roles, and at one point he told me that men are meant to provide and women to care/create. He told me that when he gets married, he’d like to be the sole provider for his family, and that he wouldn’t want his wife to work.
I told him that I thought that was absurd, that personally I didn’t want to depend on any man ever, mainly because of my past experience. He then told me that I was looking at things the wrong way and that if I was going to focus my life on work, I would struggle to find a good man.
We had a bit of an argument, during which I tried to make him understand that it wasn’t about ‘focusing my life on work’, but that I thought it was crazy to depend entirely on your partner and not earn your own money.
He said he understood, but that if he were to start a family and his partner told him, “I want to climb the career ladder” instead of wanting to focus on building a family with him, that would be a “no” for him. He said that perhaps his view might change over time, but for now that was his mindset. We’re both 28.
My last relationship left me with a slightly distorted view of reality when it comes to judging certain things, so I’ve been finding it hard to work out whether I’m overreacting or whether this is something I should be wary of. I'd really appreciate some advice.