So I'm 21 and I've struggled with my mental health since at least 10 years old.
2 years ago I had a sort of mental breakdown and was diagnosed with severe depression, GAD, Panic disorder, really bad DPDR, OCD + autism.
Around that time a memory from kindergarten resurfaced. I must have been 3-4 years old. The first time I remembered it/thought about it was when I was 5/6 but obviously I didn't really understand. I just felt weird? Then 2 years ago again and it really hit me like a truck. I was so scared and helpless and everything. After a few days of shock I kind of dissociated again from it (had a lot going on) and it resurfaced exactly a year later (2025), which again, worsened my mental state significantly for a few weeks. Then again nothing for a year and now exactly a year later it's back full force.
Every time I think about it, I get super nauseous physically. My dissociation kicks in too. I should also mention that I have 1-2 instances that I remember where I felt heavily depersonalized and derealized in kindergarten even.
I just feel so so so so sick to my stomach and have such an intense physical and mental reaction to it, yet I can barely remember it. It's more like a picture.
TW a bit more graphic
I only remember that my kindergarten teacher (female) was involved and I wasn't wearing anything. Nothing more. But everything feels so wrong about this. The only other thing I remember of her is that I was genuinely scared of her and she used to scream at me (and I never knew why). like she always seemed so mad at me. I also think another girl was involved...
I don't understand why I am reacting the way I do and I also don't know if I'll ever 'unlock' the full memory or if I even want to... What if it's just a dream I had and nothing actually happened?