u/GoodfellasNick

I’m posting here because I’m carrying an immense amount of pain from over a decade ago, and my family just tells me I'm "past my prime" and to just "get over it." It hurts just as bad today as it did 10 years ago. Please be kind, I’m just trying to understand what happened to me and how to fix it. I finally found a therapist, but my appointment isn't until September, and I'm struggling right now..

When I was younger, I was in a 6 year relationship. I lost my job then due to vehicle issues, and my girlfriend ended up getting me a job as a cook where she worked. I had never cooked before, and the fast paced busy restaurant scene completely overwhelmed me. I couldn’t handle it and quit after one day.. My girlfriend told me I was stupid and said she hated me, and said she'd leave me if I quit. I loved her more than anything really and believed all our promises of being together forever that she would back me up anyway, but she abandoned me. A couple of months later, she was dating a guy 10 to 15 years older.

Ever since that moment, my mind has been stuck in a permanent survival mode? I feel like that experience completely broke me. Here is what I have been dealing with every single day for over ten years

Severe Isolation: I completely shut the world out. If anyone gets too close, I panic and cut them off from being hurt again knowing I will fail. I deleted all social media back then over 10 years and have just isolated. But now people think I'm weird when I tell them I have no social media..

Total Loss of Self-Worth: In my head, I truly believe I am a failure and made the mistake of quitting that job, and I'm completely broken and unlovable / unlikeable forever. Even though I know at heart I am a good, empathetic, and intuitive and a nice person, I still feel completely worthless and like no girl or anyone could ever possibly like me again or want to be my friend..

Chronic Pessimism and Distrust: I assume the absolute worst of myself and others. I can't let people in because I am terrified of being blindsided and humiliated again.

Feeling Unattractive and unlikeable: I have a deep core belief that no girl could ever find me attractive or want to be around me, and no one would ever want to be my friend because I'm a failure and stupid so I avoid any contact or interaction with anyone completely.

Deep Sadness and Freeze: I carry a deep, dark sadness that I feel I can't even talk about with regular people because they will think I'm crazy. I feel like my life is frozen in time. Also I used to live in Florida for a few years so I am afraid of a baker act to a psych hold of just talking about my true feelings so I hide them and pretend everything is okay. My family says I should've "gotten over this" so I hide it even more thinking maybe they are right and I'm just stupid.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of emotional abuse/abandonment trauma? How do you heal and stop your brain from constantly telling you that you don't deserve anything and are a worthless failure?

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I want you to know that you matter and you are appreciated and capable of love. Thank you

I’m posting here because I’m carrying an immense amount of pain from over a decade ago, and my family just tells me I'm "past my prime" and to just "get over it." It hurts just as bad today as it did 10 years ago. Please be kind, I’m just trying to understand what happened to me and how to fix it. I finally found a therapist, but my appointment isn't until September, and I'm struggling right now..

When I was younger, I was in a 6 year relationship. I lost my job then due to vehicle issues, and my girlfriend ended up getting me a job as a cook where she worked. I had never cooked before, and the fast paced busy restaurant scene completely overwhelmed me. I couldn’t handle it and quit after one day.. My girlfriend told me I was stupid and said she hated me, and said she'd leave me if I quit. I loved her more than anything really and believed all our promises of being together forever that she would back me up anyway, but she abandoned me. A couple of months later, she was dating a guy 10 to 15 years older.

Ever since that moment, my mind has been stuck in a permanent survival mode? I feel like that experience completely broke me. Here is what I have been dealing with every single day for over ten years

Severe Isolation: I completely shut the world out. If anyone gets too close, I panic and cut them off from being hurt again knowing I will fail. I deleted all social media back then over 10 years and have just isolated. But now people think I'm weird when I tell them I have no social media..

Total Loss of Self-Worth: In my head, I truly believe I am a failure and made the mistake of quitting that job, and I'm completely broken and unlovable / unlikeable forever. Even though I know at heart I am a good, empathetic, and intuitive and a nice person, I still feel completely worthless and like no girl or anyone could ever possibly like me again or want to be my friend..

Chronic Pessimism and Distrust: I assume the absolute worst of myself and others. I can't let people in because I am terrified of being blindsided and humiliated again.

Feeling Unattractive and unlikeable: I have a deep core belief that no girl could ever find me attractive or want to be around me, and no one would ever want to be my friend because I'm a failure and stupid so I avoid any contact or interaction with anyone completely.

Deep Sadness and Freeze: I carry a deep, dark sadness that I feel I can't even talk about with regular people because they will think I'm crazy. I feel like my life is frozen in time. Also I used to live in Florida for a few years so I am afraid of a baker act to a psych hold of just talking about my true feelings so I hide them and pretend everything is okay. My family says I should've "gotten over this" so I hide it even more thinking maybe they are right and I'm just stupid.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of emotional abuse/abandonment trauma? How do you heal and stop your brain from constantly telling you that you don't deserve anything and are a worthless failure?

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I want you to know that you matter and you are appreciated and capable of love. Thank you