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Im unsure if this is the correct thread to post to but, i need some advice. Im 39 male. Shes 42 female. Ive read many articles and watched quiet a few videos on the subject matter. Im going to start off with saying I am not innocent. My SO and I have dated off and on for years. 14 years to be exact. Many years ago I was stuck in my young and dumb and party mode, and was unfaithful. I accept this. Its my fault. Its my wrong doing. There is no justification for my action.
I have sinced strived to do better and to show them how much they mean to me. Now lets talk our relationship. Were both nurses. Although ive been doing it for 20 years, shes been doing it for 2. Shes a mother of 3 kids with 2 different dads. One dad is deceased due to drug overdose. When we were younger she wanted us to be a big family and i accepted that role and tried being a dad to her young children. However she wouldn't let me fully enevelope the role. I wasnt allowed to discipline or punish. It felt like i was only granted the positive privileges. The kids ended up hating me because i enforced rules such as doing homework before playing on video games. Cleaning your room etc.
So i stepped way back from that role. Fast forward to present day the kids are now 20,22 and 23. The 23 year old has moved out and had a child of his own. She maintains an apartment for the others to live in but when we get together she moves in with me. All of that is fine with me but it feels like we arent growing closer together. Like shes living 2 lives. I always take the backseat to her children, always have. But with them being grown adults i feel things should change but it hasnt. She still cancles plans to go to her children. I understand emergencies but this is non emergent stuff. I work 4-5 days a week 12 hr shifts so my time with her is very limited and it ends up feeling like i dont matter.
When i try to talk about it she just expects me to accept and not be upset. Shes never wrong. She never accepts blame for anything. If she 100% does something wrong she blames it on me, like its my fault, i forced her to do it. Just now ive tried talking and expressing my wants, expectations and boundaries and she just twists my words and then shell leave and go back to that apartment and wont speak to me. This will continue for weeks with her ghosting me. When we first start back together she spends lots of time with me but a little while into it she takes 'us' time away and when i express my distaste for it she just makes me the bad guy by saying things like " you just want me to abandon my children" this is entirely not true i want her to have her friends and family.
I simply want to feel like i matter and that im important to her. No amount of spoiling her helps. Ive taken her on vacays, to mexico, bought her big ticket gifts. None of that matters. I feel like im most likely codependent and shes narcissist. She never actually wants to try and do better. But shell express how she wants us to have a big family together and get married, etc. Im just tired of the roller coaster and unsure how to proceed.