TL;DR - Porn addicted husband blames me constantly - will things ever change?
There is so much to unpack, so grab a drink of your choice and buckle in…
I’ve (F30) been with my husband (M32) for 14 years, married for 12. He was my best friend, the person I trust with everything, who I knew in my heart could never hurt me.
I laid out a boundary early on, due to self esteem issues and trust being broken before, that I didn’t agree with porn having a place in our relationship, especially individually. We had a healthy sex life, being young dumb and in love. He’d shared he had issues with porn in the past, but respectfully stopped when the boundary was discussed. He has some relapses, but by the time he proposed, he assured me it was a thing of the past.
2 years into our marriage, my parents marriage imploded. Years, decades of unfaithfulness of my dads side came out, bringing trauma my sister and I endured of seeing and hearing things of a sexual nature on my dads devices as children to the surface, issues with trust in men and much more. My husband was my rock through it all. But the he dropped a bomb of his ow one night; he’d never stoped watching porn. When he was alone, in the shower, even on the toilet, he’d watch it.
I felt something inside me crack. Everything I thought I knew about love and trust from all men in my life - gone. Suddenly, I craved the attention of any man who wasn’t my husband, something I didn’t recognise at the time, but I see how was me not handling the trauma at all. Not processing - but acting out.
For years, it was a constant battle in our relationship, constant relapses. Everytime, it chipped away at me, making my crave attention from others, to validate that I would be enough for someone.
5 years later, my husband had the first of many mental breakdowns, the result of years of his own suppressed trauma from his family. The man I’d come to lean on, the man who cared for me when my chronic health conditions flared up, suddenly was seriously mentally unwell. There was a lot of neglect in our relationship, as I discovered more and more of his porn use, reaching out to talk to women online and more - he would never tell me, I always had to dig.
I’m not proud but I acted out more. Emotional affairs, seeking comfort and affection in male friends. A year into this, I reached out for professional help, as I knew this was not a healthy behaviour and was leading me down a path that wouldn’t end well. I was diagnosed with BPD/EPUD - which made a lot of sense for me and helped me process and understand.
My husband accepted this diagnosis as well, but suddenly every single problem we had was a result of my diagnosis. My mental health was always to blame, which only triggered me further, as I’d been the one providing care, support and more to him in his darkest moments. In the space of 6 months, he kicked me out twice, telling everyone it was because he could not cope with my mental health.
During the last separation, I engaged more with the professionals in my care team, putting a plan into action to support my mental health. And when my husband and I met to discuss the separation, he listed everything I’d done wrong and why he’d kicked me out. I remained calm, and when he finally stopped, I calmly explained how he had checked out of the relationship. He had stopped spending time 1 on 1 with me, absorbed in gaming - he wasn’t working, supporting me with the house etc. I explained he’d left me to attend social events alone, pursue joint hobbies alone, and that I was struggling with being a single, married woman. I remember feeling empowered and calm leaving that conversation, and within hours he was calling and texting, professing to be a changed man and that he’d seen the error in his ways. When I saw he was putting in the work because he wanted me back, I eventually went back, and was clear - if he kicked me out again, no matter what circumstances, I wouldn’t return. We worked through the issue of me using other men for comfort, including kissing one of my male friends. He forgave me, put it behind us and wanted to move forwards.
We worked on ourselves, our marriage, our lives. We were happy.
Jointly, we decided to try for a baby, one last try after years of fertility issues. We caught on the second try, and last summer our beautiful daughter was born.
But the cracks showed in my pregnancy. He would watch me break down under the anxiety, and not help. He was distant, physically and emotionally. I tried and tried and he was reserved.
I discovered he’d been speaking to another woman during our separation. Whilst this wasn’t a total shock, it was the fact I found out, he didn’t come forward. I had to literally extract the smallest snippets from him, including finding out 2 weeks before I delivered that he was still following her on all social media. Deep down, my gut was telling me something was up, but freshly post partum wasn’t the time to address it.
4 months PP, we moved to another country, something we had always planned, but sooner than expected. He was increasingly distant before the move, and a few days before I discovered he was watching porn again. It broke me, shattered the little esteem I had. I told my mother, needing to share the pain and process it. We were stopping at hers during the move, and when he realised she knew, he lost it with me.
Now here’s the kicker. A month later, in our own home, I noticed a local only fans model in his recent IG messages search bar. No messages - but he’d searched for her. I questioned him, and he explained he had no idea how she got there, and I fell for it (sort of)
In my gut, I knew something was going on. I sat back, waiting.
Last week, I was on his phone; and there it was. Another only fans model on his searches. He knew the moment he walked in the room I was pissed, and I didn’t even ask - I just said I knew. He said he was happy for me to check his phone, he had nothing to hide. Smugly, he sat watching me check every app, and within seconds I’d found porn searches (he thought he’d cleared his history) - suddently he realised he was caught. He was caught in a lie and this wasn’t going away. I shelved the conversation for a time where our daughter wasn’t in the house.
The next day was a blur of anger, he told me he wished he’d cheated and hurt me. I pressed for more information and that’s when he shared he had intact been seeking local models for sex during the move - because he was angry and annoyed with how I was treating him (I’d developed postpartum depression, so I’m aware I probably wasn’t in a good place)
Since this confession, he’s back tracked, denying he said that. I just said - ‘your caught in your own web of lies, you can’t even remember what the truth is. You are my dad.’ I knew that would hurt him but it’s the truth.
I’ve been clear - if he wants this to work, balls in his court. Come and win me boo, because I can’t keep trying with someone who doesn’t want me.
But he hasn’t. He’s been angry, snapping and nasty. But when I call him out for it, it’s me that’s the issue. Ive calmly explained so many times just how badly it’s hurt having a husband who never ever stopped watching women online while telling me I’m beautiful and enough for him - it’s screwed me up.
Tonight, I wanted a girls night out so asked him not to drink while I was at the cinema with the girls (he’s a functioning alcoholic). He refused and said if I can’t trust him, I shouldn’t go, because he wasn’t being told not to drink. So I didn’t go.
But when he called me nasty, telling me I’m the problem and he doesn’t want to be around, something in me broke. He stormed off and drove off - I quietly and calmly grabbed all essentials, and literally fled out the back door with our daughter.
I’m safe, at my mums. He’s been horrible about me to my mum, telling her I never accept my faults and issues. He’s been so blunt and callous with me.
I’ve told him I still love him and want a life and family with him. But that he needs professional addiction help before I consider coming home.
If you’ve made it this far - I’d appreciate knowing what you’d do next?
Do you realistically think he’d change? Can I do anything more?
How do I protect myself?