u/Gimsabu

I (26M) have been dating my girlfriend (21F) for a little over a year. We’re in a long-distance relationship between the US and Korea (about a 16-hour time difference), and we see each other 3–4 times a year.

A recurring issue has been how she interacts with some of her guy friends. Earlier in the relationship, there were a few guys consistently flirting with her in DMs, which made me uncomfortable. I communicated this, and over time she made changes—she distanced herself from some of them and tried to be more mindful of my feelings.

That said, there are still a couple of guys who message her daily. One in particular sits next to her in class multiple times a week and tries to stay in close contact (texting her if she doesn’t sit with him, asking her to get lunch, etc.). She has reduced some of that interaction, but he still pushes for 1:1 time like dinner after his military service or studying together at a café. She doesn’t like cutting people off completely because that’s not her personality, which I understand.

Recently, another issue came up around her photography hobby. She’s been putting a lot of effort into growing her Instagram and wants to pursue it seriously. She often takes photos of friends or acquaintances for free to build her portfolio.

We got into a bigger argument when her brother’s friend (a guy she doesn’t really know) asked her to do a 1:1 photoshoot. I felt uncomfortable with the idea of her doing a more personal shoot alone with someone I’ve never met, especially since we’re long distance. Part of my reaction was also that she hasn’t taken photos of me yet, even though I’ve told her I’m interested in modeling as a hobby.

I told her I’d feel more comfortable if it was a paid shoot or if it happened when I was there visiting. She felt that I was putting restrictions on her hobby and didn’t want to feel like she needed permission when it comes to photography.

Separately, another guy friend (who she has said might like her) has asked her to hang out 1:1 (like dinner or studying together) and also asked her to take his graduation photos. Those situations also make me uncomfortable, but they didn’t cause as big of a fight as the photoshoot with her brother’s friend.

She has got mad at me during the argument and called me possessive, insecure, unstable, and controlling which hurt my feelings a lot. I’ve never seen her this aggressive before. She later apologized for how she said it, but still feels that my reactions make her feel restricted and gave me a warning that she’ll act like that again if I get sad about her taking photos of guys.

From my perspective, I’m trying to express boundaries and what makes me uncomfortable, especially because long distance already makes things harder for me emotionally. I trust her intentions, but I still struggle with repeated 1:1 interactions with guys who seem interested in her.

At the same time, I don’t want to control her or limit her independence, and I understand that some of this could be my own insecurity—especially since this is my first relationship.

I’ll be visiting her in two weeks, and I want to have a more productive in-person conversation instead of repeating the same arguments over the phone.

How can I communicate my feelings and boundaries in a way that doesn’t come across as controlling, while still addressing what’s been making me uncomfortable? Is this an issue with ENFJs when it comes to opposite-sex relationships?

I (26M) have been dating my girlfriend (21F) for a little over a year. We’re in a long-distance relationship between the US and Korea (about a 16-hour time difference), and we see each other 3–4 times a year.

A recurring issue has been how she interacts with some of her guy friends. Earlier in the relationship, there were a few guys consistently flirting with her in DMs, which made me uncomfortable. I communicated this, and over time she made changes—she distanced herself from some of them and tried to be more mindful of my feelings.

That said, there are still a couple of guys who message her daily. One in particular sits next to her in class multiple times a week and tries to stay in close contact (texting her if she doesn’t sit with him, asking her to get lunch, etc.). She has reduced some of that interaction, but he still pushes for 1:1 time like dinner after his military service or studying together at a café. She doesn’t like cutting people off completely because that’s not her personality, which I understand.

Recently, another issue came up around her photography hobby. She’s been putting a lot of effort into growing her Instagram and wants to pursue it seriously. She often takes photos of friends or acquaintances for free to build her portfolio.

We got into a bigger argument when her brother’s friend (a guy she doesn’t really know) asked her to do a 1:1 photoshoot. I felt uncomfortable with the idea of her doing a more personal shoot alone with someone I’ve never met, especially since we’re long distance. Part of my reaction was also that she hasn’t taken photos of me yet, even though I’ve told her I’m interested in modeling as a hobby.

I told her I’d feel more comfortable if it was a paid shoot or if it happened when I was there visiting. She felt that I was putting restrictions on her hobby and didn’t want to feel like she needed permission when it comes to photography.

Separately, another guy friend (who she has said might like her) has asked her to hang out 1:1 (like dinner or studying together) and also asked her to take his graduation photos. Those situations also make me uncomfortable, but they didn’t cause as big of a fight as the photoshoot with her brother’s friend.

She has got mad at me during the argument and called me possessive, insecure, unstable, and controlling which hurt my feelings a lot. I’ve never seen her this aggressive before. She later apologized for how she said it, but still feels that my reactions make her feel restricted and gave me a warning that she’ll act like that again if I get sad about her taking photos of guys.

From my perspective, I’m trying to express boundaries and what makes me uncomfortable, especially because long distance already makes things harder for me emotionally. I trust her intentions, but I still struggle with repeated 1:1 interactions with guys who seem interested in her.

At the same time, I don’t want to control her or limit her independence, and I understand that some of this could be my own insecurity—especially since this is my first relationship.

I’ll be visiting her in two weeks, and I want to have a more productive in-person conversation instead of repeating the same arguments over the phone.

How can I communicate my feelings and boundaries in a way that doesn’t come across as controlling, while still addressing what’s been making me uncomfortable?