u/GhostCallOut2

I know there are loyal women, im not saying that there isn't. Its more so how do I get out of this mindset? Ive been in two relationships, both been cheated on. This last one though was worse then the last because I actually loved this girl in a way I never loved before. I never expected her to do this to me, she gaslit and manipulated me so well. The only way I found out is because she told me, but I know she still left stuff out.

I am a super loyal man. I have never cheated, yet have been cheated on. My last relationship has left me more broken then I have ever been, and my pain is turning into anger and hatred. I feel myself becoming more hateful towards women, and I know that it is wrong. I do not want to lose this lover inside of me, the one who makes gifts, go out on dates, make my partner feel special. I feel like ive lost that from being cheated on and fucked over so badly from this last relationship. I find it hard to even trust my female friends now, and I hate it. I know its not them, they didnt hurt me like this and make me feel like I was nothing. How do I get out of this? Im genuinely asking because I do not want to be like this. I dont want to lose what I once loved about me.

I feel like I was loving a ghost, someone who didnt exist. The person I was loving would never do what she did to me, and I feel so broken, so insecure about myself. She drained the very life out of me, and then cheated and lied about it for months. When she finally told me, she didnt even tell the whole truth. I gave her everything I could give her, treated her in a way she had never been treated before, and she drained me of everything, then left. I feel so guilty, shameful, insecure, ugly, i dont even know who I am. She wasn't even nearly as attractive as I thought she was looking at old pictures. I have such bad trauma now from her, I cant sleep, can barely eat, can barely get out of bed. I dont know who I am anymore.

I feel lied to, im mad at myself for letting myself be put through what she put me through, and so insecure in myself. Before her, I felt so confident and loved myself, but in the relationship I started to get lower and lower until I reached so low I wanted to end myself. She made me that way, she made me hate myself, she made me want to do things to myself, she made me feel unloved, she made me feel all these things. I was in constant survival mode this whole relationship, and I hate myself for putting myself through this. I just wanted to be chosen for once, be held by someone for once. She fucked me up so bad though I can't even recognize myself anymore.

We knew eachother for only 6 months and dated for 4, yet this breakup is absolutely destroying me. We had such an intense connection, but there was always this part of me that knew we wouldn't last, that we weren't compatible after we got together. I had one other ex before her in highschool, and that relationship was awful. As bad as this one was, it is still better then that one. Its just this one changed me so much. From the beggining I was loyal, I tried being good for her, I was so confident in the beggining. Overtime, my confidence got dragged down so much by her. She would call insult my appearance, talk to guys behind my back and flirt with guys right infront of me, lieing about it all and gaslighting me.

My confidence and self esteem got dragged down so low that I felt worthless, like I didnt deserve better. She stopped insulting me when I told her one day, and she did try to be good for me. I saw good in her, and it was really good. I saw who she was beneath her insecurities, and I loved it. But she ended up cheating on me, and for months gaslit me nothing happened until she finally told me and then she left. I feel alone, betrayed, guilty, like its my fault she did it. In the relationship, I felt like I was going crazy and insane. I became depressed, wanting to kill myself, wanting her approval, and I ended up in the last month becoming very close to emotionally abusive. I know its not good, and emotional abuse is never deserved, but its part of the reason why I feel like its my fault.

Ever since she left, I still miss her. Memories of us haunt me, a shirt I have still smells like her, and it feels like she just forgot about me like I was nothing. I feel used, broken, cheated, and like I will never be enough for anyone. I hate myself every day, and I find it hard to even do anything because everything reminds me of her. I miss her, I hate that I do but I really do. I want to be held by her again or for us to dance in the kitchen while making food. I miss our long car rides, the way she laughed, the way she was when she let her guard down with me. I miss it all.