Wallowing vs Healing from Burnout
I pushed myself way too hard for way too long and I hit the burnout. It's the kind of feeling like I'd hit the limit for my mind and body, dug as deep as it could go, and then forced myself to dig 3 more feet down. Even when my job eased up I was so resentful that it didn't get better and I eventually left it and have been unemployed for 4 months. I'm miserable. At first I thought I just needed to crashout, let myself be an absolute mess for a while. But it didn't resolve itself or end. I'm still just as angry that I let myself be pushed and pushed and emotionally destroyed over and over again at that job. I will still angry rant about it if someone brings up work. I'm so angry that I was taken advantage of, that I let myself be taken advantage of, and I think I'd do it again too. I'm angry at myself because I don't trust myself. I pushed myself and still havent learned my lesson.
Everyday I just try to drown the day out in movies or books. Just get to the other side with no plan as months fly by. I'm getting terribly lonely. And being terribly lonely makes me seek deeper into small comforts that bring me further away from people.
I have submitted so few applications, but got a pre-interview assessment and I feel so conflicted over the fact that I kind of enjoyed it. I had gotten a new therapist and told her I was just going to do something non-career crap shot job next and she's been encouraging that. So it's a surprise. What if I do well and push myself too far again. What if I don't try and fail. I didn't know where to go from here, I feel nothing, I get sick constantly. I've got about 2 months left of unemployment and it's going to slip through my fingers. I don't know if I want to feel something or feel nothing.