u/Fun_Check3711

My boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) come from a smaller, more conservative environment where people often judge women based on what they wear. Because of that, both of us grew up around comments that label more revealing outfits as “too much” or inappropriate.

Throughout our relationship, he has never tried to control what I wear or forbid me from anything. I’ve even worn some outfits in the past that I now personally see as overly provocative or just not my style anymore, and he never criticized me for them.

The only time he expressed clear opinions was about specific items. For example, I once wanted to buy one of those very short “school-style” skirts, and he said he didn’t like them because they’re too short and overly sexualized, especially in our environment where people tend to make vulgar comments. He also has a similar view on lace or see-through pieces, like wearing a visible lace top or bra under a blazer(see-through ones), because to him lace feels more “intimate,” like underwear, unless styled in a certain way.

More recently, we had discussion when I wanted to wear a very short skirt (honestly, it was too short) with lace stockings to a club. His reaction was that he wouldn’t forbid it, but it made him uncomfortable knowing the kind of attention that outfit might attract in our city, especially from guys he considers “creepy.” He said it’s not about blaming the outfit, but about being aware of the environment and how people behave.

I didn’t like that because it felt like he was indirectly connecting my clothing to how others act. He tried to explain that he knows if anything bad happens, it’s 100% the other person’s fault, not the woman’s, but that realistically, more sexualized outfits do attract more attention where we live.

During the discussion, he admitted that part of his thinking comes from insecurity and how we were both raised. He also said that before our conversation, he sometimes thought people dressed to attract others, but after I explained my perspective, he realized that’s not always true and changed his view, but said he will say his opinion on clothes if I show them to him and today I showed him a skirt and he said "it's beautiful but don't you think it's too short"(it was butt lenght), I told him it has shorts underneath and that I wouldn't wear it without it and he was like "oh then great".

He has made it very clear multiple times that he would never forbid me from wearing anything and that it’s my choice but he will say if something made him uncomfortable and will kinda expect considering his opinion the same way he consider mine in everything. The issue now is more on my side. Even though I feel safe, respected, and not controlled, I’ve noticed that I keep “testing” him. Whenever I see or consider a more revealing outfit, I feel the urge to send it to him and ask for his opinion, even when I don’t actually plan to wear it. I struggle with intrusive/obsessive thoughts, and it feels like I’m stuck in a loop of needing reassurance, even though he hasn’t done anything to restrict me.

I was also inspired by another post I read about a girl whose boyfriend had previously watched Andrew Tate. My boyfriend had a similar experience, he came across Tate’s content earlier on, mostly for fitness, motivation and business. He was aware of some of his more surface-level opinions, including those about women’s clothing, but never deeply engaged with or agreed with the extreme views. Still, he kept watching for a while because many men in our environment already share similar, more conservative views about things like victim blaming and women’s behavior. Over time, he naturally moved away from that content because he felt it became repetitive and too extreme.

Still, I got really upset and we argued about it. Some of my friends think I overreacted because he was honest about his feelings but didn’t try to restrict me.

So, AIW for pushing this into a bigger argument instead of just accepting that he has preferences but respects my freedom, he doesn't agree with my friends and said this is something that should be discussed?

Hi guys, my bf and I(both 21) come from a smaller, more conservative environment where women are often easily judged and have been together for 5y.

Throughout our relationship, he has never tried to control me. He doesn’t tell me what to wear, doesn’t expect me to be submissive, and has always supported emotional openness. He believes men and women should be equal and that both should stand up for themselves and support each other, all the right things.

However, he says he doesn’t consider himself a feminist. His main issue is with what he sees online more extreme or “loud” content where some women generalize men or come across as hostile. He says he supports women’s rights, but doesn’t like that label because of how he perceives it.

What confuses me is that whenever we actually discuss specific situations, he always supports the woman’s perspective. The only time he reacts negatively is when the message is delivered in a way he finds aggressive or generalized and he always say to me "okay you can watch that I don't want to, we can talk about some topic around that anytime, but I don't want to watch it."

He also used to come across Tates content in the past(2022,2023), got lured in by stuff like fitness, motivation etc. At the time, he didn’t really question some of it deeply and had a surface-level, somewhat neutral view(Tate's true opinions around women mostly didn't even reach him, he only saw some sarcastic and sometimes sexsit jokes but he thought they're like mocking someone who really thinks that). He was aware of Tate’s “pimping” business and initially saw it more as that’s what he does. When allegations came out, he didn’t immediately dismiss them, but his reasoning was more along the lines of "if there’s so much against him, why isn’t he in prison?",which I now see as a lack of deeper understanding rather than support for those actions and he still sees it that way.

Over time, he stopped watching that kind of content because he found it repetitive and too extreme, and after I explaind many of the Tate's views he didn't like them or support them, he said he had good points about motivation, gym etc. but other than that he is close-minded and ignorant.

Even though I feel safe and respected, I’ve developed a habit of bringing up these topics, sending videos, and almost “testing” his reactions. He’s recently told me that it feels exhausting and that he feels like he’s being tested all the time

Some of my friends think I’m creating a problem where there isn’t one, while others think these convos are important and shouldn’t be ignored but that I'm still overreacting because, him and I have similar mindsets.

So, AITB for continuing to analyze his views instead of just accepting that his actions show respect, even if his labels or reasoning aren’t perfect and how to talk with him about this since he said he is exhausted of constantly talking about it?