u/FrostyNewt9802

I just got dx with BP2 and GAD. I decided to finally reach out for help with the only thing I wanted to do on my 26th birthday was to quit my job, spend all my money and jump off a cliff.

I mentioned to the psychiatrist that I started to SH at 19-20 and have been doing it off and on since then. She said has anyone mentioned BPD to me since that’s more common with self harm. Also mentioned having a hard time feeling love for people.

We have a meeting in 2 weeks. I wanted to hear other thoughts if harming is a distinction between the two?

I just turned 25 3 weeks ago I woke up this morning crying and my body hurts. I’m in the prime of my life and I’m sulking in bed on a sunny day. I’ve only worked 20 hrs I get paid next Friday because I just been calling out.

It’s a easy ass job idk what’s wrong

I’m mentally ill

I turned 25 on April 26th. The week leading up to my birthday I felt dread. I wasn’t happy or anything. I have nothing planned I have no girl friends. I cooked dinner for my family. My Boyftiend lost his job so no plans there he did give me a cute gift though and his mother’s ring. Idk how I feel about that. It’s so pretty though.

I had a note saved in my phone from 2021 to neck myself on my 25th birthday.

This confirmed to me I’m mentally ill. Who leaves notes like that to themselves on their 25th birthday? When I go through those depressive fits of rage and then come out of it feeling full of energy It’s like amnesia between the two events. The high I’m feeling now I would never say I have depression.

Seeing that note to myself hurt I wonder what I was upset about. Poor baby

I was taking Zoloft I feel fucked up. I don’t care about nothing I wish I never did it. I spent so much fucking money on food and a new phone over the last months fuckkkkkkklkkkkk

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow.

Note unmediated

I failed my board exam twice last year to be a dietitian. I feeel like a dumb loser over it. I got my Masters degree in this shit I can’t pass the fucking exam?

Who’s gonna want to hire a dumbass like me? Fucking all I’m good for is McDonald’s.

I felt so fucking numb. I applied for a bunch of jobs this year thinking I’d be well enough to take the exam again. Apparently that was elated mood I should t have done anything during that episode. Also wasted over 2k since January til now buying stupid shit.

I felt rushed to take it the second time because my mom told me i wasting time and that I’m behind. So I go and fail it the second time and then she blames me!! Fuck I’m still behind.

I got the opportunity to teach part time at my university this semester. You know how most people would feel given that position? So good about themselves.

How do I feel? Fucking empty all the fucking time. I feel evil:(

I’m 25 just turned it last Sunday. Why the fuck did I have a breakdown? I was in such a good mood in the month of April. April 21 is when it went to shit. I’ve been angry, yelling, punching walls, can’t sleep, appetite gone fickkk.

Did I fuck my brain up?

I once had Prozac about 2-3 yrs ago. During the first week I was so happy and bubbly it was hurting to smile since I was doing it so much. Then when that feeling left I got into a worse funk than usual I stopped taking it.

With Zoloft I felt the anxiety decrease at first. Then I felt the bubbly way I did with Prozac. Then after that it’s been downhill since. Then I think I had a panic ep one night HR was 110 BP was 128/90.

I schedule a meeting with a psychiatrist for the 12th. I’m exhausted I just want to be at a baseline for a few days 😢

I’ve been taking Zoloft for two months. I have the initial side effects. GI issues and stuff.

The last few weeks I’ve spent $500 on foods and junk, I’ve been over eating. I wake up multiple times during the night, yet I feel energized. I’ve been driving random places because outside’s has been so vibrant and beautiful.

I’ve been smoking tree too a lot it help calm me down. I love weed lol. When I feel that instability rising I smoke and it goes away. I’ve been using this a coping mechanism for about 4 years. I supplement with magnesium l theanine I’ve noticed help calm my anxiety.

I turned 25 Sunday, I’m not sure if that’s the trigger for this episode or not. Friday morning I woke up feeling like an empty husk. Anything anyone said to me pissed me off. I went off on three crying fits during my 12 hour shift. I called my mom and ranted to her about how I was gonna quit this job and that all I’m good for is McDonald’s. I told her all my schooling was waste and I’m dumb. It wasn’t pretty.

I wanted to die from Friday-Sunday I had ideation offing myself. I didn’t care if it impacted anyone.

Monday I’m back feeling “ok” no empty husk.

Today I feel ok. I’m confused why I was depressed.

I’m scared because I’ve dealt with this since i was 19. I used birth control because I thought I was having PMDD but that didn’t seem to help either.

The mood changes is more rapid. I’m very destructive too when im angry. I either hurt myself or break things. I kicked a hole in my parents cabinet during the anger episode.

My opinion could change with someone within the day.

Some days I wanna text all my friends some days I don’t want to.

Some days, im better off not here some days im glad I am.

Some days i love babies i want them all. Next day i dont.

I look in the mirror im hideous beast next im hot asf.

I’m flirting with guys and that is not me at all. Note I lost my virginity at 23.

My relationship never last because I can’t ever decide if I like them or not. Most of them last 6-8 months. I go off dating a new guy in a month.

Please what’s wrong with me? All my life I felt “off” like I was alien. My peers know faking to be like them.

It’s so exhausting I’m 25 years old. This isn’t fun or quirky like I thought or I would grow out of it.

Nothing matters. I’m supposed to be studying for important board exam I haven’t because I feel no drive. Zoloft made me more numb. Is this normal side effects? I Stopped taking it.

It’s hard for me to reach out because my mom told me I have demonic attacks and that’s why I’m hurting myself. She said my scars are demonic as well. I blame myself for the way I am. I pray and ask god to help me for years I’ve never gotten better. I’ve lost my faith.

Only reason posted here because someone mentioned my symptoms may be bipolar.