Hey guys,
Long time lurker, first time poster.
I need some advice regarding a partnership I'm in, and some sort of direction regarding whether I'm being an asshole.
Today (Sunday) is supposed to be the new swap over day between my ex and I (week on, week off schedule) for my 5 year old daughter. It was her birthday last week and my fiance and I threw her a birthday party yesterday. My fiance did a bunch of work to make it happen, to make it exactly how my daughter envisioned it and it was a fantastic day... Until the end of the night.
As I said, it's a new swap over day, and the conversation came up between my fiance and I whether that was actually gonna happen or if my ex was going to change plans and keep it on Monday. So, being me, I messaged her at around 930pm last night just to double check so we could all be on the same page as to what was happening with my daughter this morning. My fiance is now extremely angry with me, due to the time that I messaged my ex (the why I messaged her does not matter to her). I explained exactly what I said to my ex, (asking about pick up Sunday, apologizing for any lack of communication) and why I messaged her as late as I did. It was forefront of my mind and I wanted it out of the way so I could be present and focus on my fiance and I connecting the rest of the night/today.
We had a conversation about appropriate times to text my ex, and that she feels uncomfortable with me messaging her later at night. I get it. But, in my defense, it was less than 24hrs to the expected drop off time and I wanted to know what to tell my daughter in the morning about when she would see her mom. It had nothing to do with "How's your day/week?" Or any small talk. It was strictly business related.
I just spoke with my fiance after she's been stonewalling me all day, explained my side and apologized for not prioritizing our connection after the long and exhausting few days we had and not making sure she was my first priority after everything. I admitted what I could have done differently and apologized for crossing any boundary in my quick thinking and needing to have clarity. IE: "Sorry I messaged her so late. It was the end of our night and it could have waited until the morning. I should have made you my first priority after all the work we both put in and I'm sorry I made you feel like you were second fiddle. I just wanted absolutely everything out of the way with no questions or loose ends so that I could put all of my focus into you, and us."
I understand that she feels in competition with my ex, as she's the mother of my child. But there is no competition there, my ex and I have a very strained relationship since she decided to move 3 hours away and give up our half and half custody split (in writing and notarized) to give me the majority custody and even before that there was never a chance of her and I getting back together. Our lives and wants and needs are too vastly different for that to ever happen. I understand that I may have crossed the "texting late at night" boundary she wanted set, but 9pm isn't late in my mind and I didn't think it would be a big deal to just achieve some clarity on the situation today.
Her exact words to me when I apologized were "What can I expect? You're family after all." I told her that she's the mother of my daughter but not my family. That my fiance is the partner I choose and the family I want. Her rebuttle was "We cant be a family if this stuff keeps happening, I put in all this work and don't receive anything for it. She isn't my daughter and after you crossed my boundary last night I'm done putting in the amount of effort that I have."
I'm at a loss, brothers. I love this woman to death but idk what to do, idk where I went wrong. Could the conversation have waited until this morning? Yes. But I didn't even think about anything other than clarity and knowing what was happening with my daughter before I shot that message out.