How do I (21M) handle no-contact after a confusing breakup with my gf (21F) where we both left the door open?
I (21M) and my gf (21F) broke up about two weeks ago.
Last month, she came to me and said that she was having some doubts about our relationship, and at one point even threw out the statistic that she was 70% of the way there. However, I asked her why she was still here, and she said that she wasn't sure about her decision to break up. To give some context as to what was giving her reservations, in the past, about 2 years ago, we almost broke up due to me, but at the last minute, I realized it was a mistake. The following months after that were really hard for our relationship, but we ultimately got to a healthier place (as confirmed by both of us). Additionally, there's been some conflict due to me asking for more of her time, or being insecure at times when she goes out with friends, say to the bar or very late. Sometimes she would choose this over spending time with me. I don't say this to justify anything, only to give context to some of that friction. After we had this 70% conversation, things went on for about 2 weeks, where I was trying to reassure her that we could work on some of these issues. A couple of times I'd asked her if she'd changed her mind or sorta felt any different, and realistically, she said she didn't know or feel that way, and was still unsure. This took a huge toll on my mental health, and it went to a point where I initiated a no-contact break for 12 days, an idea we had been tossing around, but we would still be "dating."
The break came to an end, and ultimately, the conclusion she told me she'd come to is that she wanted to take a break until the fall. She'd talked to a lot of her friends, family, and Mom. She described it to me as having this sort of doubt in her heart, and that it wouldn't go away, and she wasn't sure if it would go away. She said it'd been there for a year, and she felt guilty, like she should've said something sooner. In this conversation, she mentioned feeling a "lack of fulfillment," which, while I don't completely understand, seemed to stem from the fact that we'd been dating for so long (since 16). While she never explicitly hinted at wanting to be with other guys, obviously, the worst part of me is taking that conversation and running with it, although I have my doubts that anything like that will happen after the breakup. We kept going back and forth, where she said when she is with me, she feels great, and those feelings almost disappear, but when we're apart, a lot of them come back and plague her.
The first night after the break, I almost seemed to reassure and convince her that we could work through things, as that is what I wanted, it's what I want, with all of my heart. She seemed to agree, especially after I told her that when I originally broke up 2 years ago, I had a couple of doubts, but those have since been appeased. We fell asleep, but when we woke up in the morning, we both agreed we felt weird. We went for a walk to talk about it some more, and were really able to kinda sit down and have a logical conversation about it all. We both kinda agreed that no matter what, she needed time. I think that's why I felt weird, because I felt that after 12 days apart, the conclusion she'd come to is a break until the fall, then no matter what, she needed some kind of time. That said, I wasn't willing to do that, as it would be bad for both of us and ultimately put a band-aid on things. We went back to my place so I could give her all of her belongings, as we'd basically decided we needed to break up, and that a break until the fall wasn't going to happen. Here's where the mindfuck happens: when we were starting to leave, we both got very emotional, and she wouldn't let me pack up her things. She tried to lie down and not leave, but I (respectfully) moved us along to the kitchen. She started to say that this choice didn't feel right, "What if I'm making a mistake?" and began to hug me. She said that neither decision feels right, and that both feel wrong. Nevertheless, I drove her home, and we sat in the car one last time. When she left, I helped her out of the car and said it was just "see you later," instead of "goodbye." She kept saying goodbye and then coming back to say, "See you later, I didn't mean to say bye." That was that.
Now, I'm in this awful position. In my heart, this girl is the love of my life, and I imagined marrying her, very much like what I think everyone on this sub. The nature of the breakup, the context, and everything that occurred between us makes me feel like we're going to have a conversation down the road, and somehow reconnect. But I know that line of thinking is dangerous, and it will only delay/curb my healing. I'm going to therapy, but I just am really struggling to approach this any other way than "we will come back," especially because in the end she switched up and I sort of had to force the breakup myself, for what FEELS like her sake. I just can't help but feel I basically forced it because she was too much of a "coward," though it feels wrong to say that word, to do so. Or she just couldn't work up the courage. Not to mention, she also only wanted to break until fall, and then sorta switched up to the "end of the school year."
Furthermore, about a week after the breakup, we had a brief conversation. She reached out to me, sending a memory of us about a year ago, and I told her I would like her not to reach out because it made things hard to process. The conversation was as follows:
her: do you know what exactly it is that you’re processing? this is strange because i have the urge to check in on how you’re doing/what this feels like to you. like i said before it got to this point, breaking up feels like the wrong choice too. i recognize me sending memories/reaching out period likely feels toxic and painful, and is not conducive to whatever this is, but it comes from a place of wanting you to know i still care
i’ll respect your choice to not be friendly in the meantime
me: I’m trying to figure out what exactly I am processing, what happened, dynamics, and how I feel. I have those same urges but I think it’s really important that you take this time to think, independent of one another, just as I’m hoping to do, about values, wants, and everything outside and in between. I really want that for you, and myself. Does that make sense?
her: yes that makes sense. on that note, would you like to speak again post finals? or is it uncomfortable for you to have tentative timelines? i fear you believe i needed time for reasons other than the reasons i gave you, and i dont want you to get in your own head
at the end of the day if we come back together with clarity on what we need and it doesn’t align then that would be a shame. but given what we have collectively worked through previously i would be surprised to find we could not align things again
this time apart was not intended to hurt you but rather to be productive towards a healthy long term relationship where we both feel heard and seen
and i hope that resonates in your mind
me:
Putting a time line on things is a bit odd, and it brings things back to a sort of limbo I’m wanting to avoid, for both of our sakes. The point of all of it, including the housing business, is so that you may truly sit down and think about how you feel and what you want. It’s been a week (or three, if you count differently), but I think the time between now and the end of this quarter would really allow both of us to come to a better understanding of who we are, and what we want. That, and it allows us to focus on other areas of our lives, your last quarter (ish) and my education, which is really important to me and demands a lot. That said… the time line for me has always been when you feel certain that you feel a certain way, whatever that may be. I don’t mean to put the ball in your court in that way, but that’s how i think about it
her:
okay so riddle me this, what if a timeline for clarity comes sooner rather than later? i imagine i would reach out to feel out how you’re doing and/or if you are then ready to speak on it.
from my perspective, i feel like i did my best to communicate exactly what i thought this time apart was for me (and us by extension). i voiced that what i was hoping for was time to find the clarity i keep talking about (for us and ourselves as individuals), but you seem keen on repeating the idea of “moving on” and “not being in limbo.” in a sense, it is kind of limbo anyway is it not?
are you rushing to move on in an attempt to get over our time together?
me:
to answer your first question, if the timeline for clarity comes sooner than later, then so be it, that’s okay. However, my concerns are that 1) There hasn’t been enough time for us both to find clarity 2)it interferes with my schooling. i can’t even begin describe the toll, and I really want to put my everything into my education and finish the year strong. 2.5) I’d also like for you to be able to enjoy this quarter. it’s something I really want for you, unfettered as you can be by this. as for your second message, given how everything has gone, yeah it sorta is limbo, but I really wanted to try and avoid all of that as much as I could in order to I guess, facilitate a situation where you, and now I, can find that clarity, without the bandaid, without the carrot on the stick. I don’t know how else to describe without asking a sort of question, can one truly reflect on their life as they would if death approaches, if they shortly found out that they’re not actually dying?
her:
i agree with everything you’re saying about time and reflection. part of me begs the question that sometimes “when you know, you know.” and it is rather painful to see you in the wild and not be able to run to you
especially when things have become clearer, despite it having been only “one” week
i have been thinking about this in its entirety for a very very very long time, and it is not new in my brain
The following Monday after this Saturday conversation, I called her and asked if she’d be willing to meet up and talk, to which, much shorter, went:
Me:
I feel like that phone call didn’t convey things well, it’s a shame I caught you at an awkward time.
I feel strongly about a couple of things, I have for some time, given how long all of this has been going on.
I’ve considered saying something since saturday, and ultimately decided to, not on impulse.
It’s a bit contradictory to what I said, but at least for me, I know who I am and when I feel a certain way, and I feel a strong desire to talk.
if you think that’s a bad idea, or you’re not ready for that, I understand and we can go back to our silence.
Her:
let’s sleep on this and think about if we have actually achieved what it is we’re looking for. the last thing i want is to rush back into something without it having been productive yk?
i fear making impulsive choices and i thought a lot about what you said about school and finals. i don’t want this to detract from your education anymore than it already has
Me:
I understand
Her:
That doesn’t mean we can’t talk
Me:
Let’s allow some time
Her:
Yes, let's hold one another accountable
If you got this far, thanks for actually reading this.
I’m not looking for a simple yes/no answer about whether we will get back together or whether either of us is right or wrong. I’m trying to figure out how to handle the next few weeks in a healthy way. For people who have been through a breakup or “time apart” situation like this, how did you manage the urge to reach out while still respecting the space? What boundaries helped you avoid staying in limbo? How did you decide whether future contact was healthy or just reopening the wound?
I’m especially looking for advice on:
1)How to stay grounded during no contact.
2)How to avoid treating the possibility of reconciliation like a guarantee.
3)How to approach a future conversation if she does eventually reach out.
- How to know whether reconnecting would be healthy instead of just emotionally comforting
TLDR: My girlfriend and I broke up after she said she needed time and clarity, but the breakup was emotionally confusing, and she has left the door open to talking again. We agreed to give each other more time, but I’m struggling with the urge to reach out. I’m looking for advice on how to handle no contact, set emotional boundaries, and approach any future conversation healthily.