u/Free-Office8370

ive been suffering with depersonalisation/derealisation/dissociation for years. i always thought it was just some manifestation of psychosis (diagnosed with bpd & cptsd so i chalked it up to that). ive never really gone into it with anyone because its the hardest thing to put into words which is probably why i never got any help. and i feel like no one will understand or even be equipped to deal with it and ill just have to cope with opening up and receiving no support.

when i do go out its impossible to feel present. like im gonna go home and struggle to comprehend the fact that i existed elsewhere today. im pinching the fuck outta myself in public. for example, lets say i went to a gig, as soon as i leave, although i obviously KNOW i was just there, it FEELS so far away

for a few months i was convinced i was experiencing some sort of early onset alzheimers at 19. i know it sounds ridiculous but its genuinely the only way i could describe it when i didnt fully know what was happening (i still dont)

i was wondering if it was down to medication. ive been on it for about 5 years, i cant remember them all but ive been on risperidone, fluoxetine and ive just come off sertraline and im now on citalopram. im not experiencing any highs but im also not getting the lows that would make me take drugs, cut myself, just a depressive numb default. honestly id rather have the severe instability than this horrible alien feeling

how did any of you go about it getting help for this? im under mh services and that, i just dont know how/who to bring this up with? in the meantime is this at all manageable? this shit is debilitating and im scared ill be dismissed by professionals

ive completely fucked it up with my family and i need to get away but im completely unequipped. little backstory cause it feels necessary im 19F but i literally have no life experience, i dropped out of school at 14 and basically became a shut in, 2024-2025 i didnt leave the house due to severe agoraphobia but recently i have been slowly trying to re-integrate back into society. i have nowhere to go, i have limited money (unable to work), genuinely not a single friend and i know the sensible option would be to stay at home but i just cant. i dont wanna be talked out of it im just open to suggestions. Ive been really horrible i cant tell if im being abusive Or its all a massive fuckup but i did say some terrible things to my parents and i need to leave even if its only for a night or so. i know the risks i face being a vulnerable girl but i dont know what to do i threatened to stop seeing my therapists Idk im really just doing anything not to relapse cause im not trying to deal with that rn. The thing is ive told them im leaving so if i dont thats just pathetic i dont want to be ok because then we’ll have to apologise and do the whole awkward moving on but im properly upset. I just wish i had friends i could go see when shit hits the fan cause fuck am i supposed to do walk around by myself Im actually such a loser. btw when i say i have no life experience im so serious, i can work a microwave thats about it but if you ever ask me to initiate a conversation with someone I will cry. I didnt know what subreddit to put this in but i think this is the bpd talking. Real shit tho i just need a hobby maybe i just need to go to the beach but i hate being alone cause my own company is pretty depressing atm because obviously i am a depressed person. And i used to make some rash decisions but its not like my head isnt screwed on im just in distress i mean wish i could go out and itd be chill but men are evil… when i was like 15 i would have been outta here but now i am actually concerned for my safety which is obviously a big positive but right now i wish i could be anywhere but here so its different. Im just really tired of this cycle my life hasn’t actually gone anywhere in years and now im completely alone im just stuck its like can something remotely good happen to me. i feel like i totally can spontaneously bring about some positive experience im just not sure how to go about it.

i dont really know what i need help with but at least taking time to write this stopped me from looking up how to book a plane ticket aha

Basically im going through it but i dont know if this is an excuse to break a cycle or ill end up doing something stupid and end up hurting myself more?