Not gonna slip today
Hi, I've been lurking a bit and just want to post to hold myself accountable because I've been in prelapse mode for a couple days now. I have loved opiate-type drugs on and off for the last 23 years, and spent maybe 8 of those years taking kratom regularly. (Also been to rehab twice for the most serious one) I've been playing around with moderation for the last few years, bouncing between 5-10 gpd, trying to take days off in between and tolerance breaks, etc etc. it's been exhausting and it sucks up so much of my attention...
My 40th birthday was last Thursday and I decided at the beginning of April that I didn't want to be dependent on anything for my 40th, and tapered down from 7 to 2 gpd, and then jumped off about 10 days ago. "Withdrawals" were pretty much nothing, I just obsess over the psychological habit and love how it makes me feel, even just a gram or two. The bigger thing is I feel like I have no life and nothing to look forward to without having a next dose lined up. This is BS I have friends, hobbies, a loving partner and enough work to support myself. I know this, so I feel ungrateful and guilty that I care more about drugs than my real life.
Yesterday I decided it would be ok to see what 2 g would feel like, but I told myself to wait an hour and see if I still wanted to. I outlasted that until like 8pm and then decided it would keep me up even if it was good, so I put it off until today. This morning I woke up super early depressed and emotional. I had a hard talk with my partner about relationship stuff that probably should have waited, and she left for work and I was even more sad. I know there's a bottle under the bathroom sink with some capsules in there, and I was so close to taking them. I said I would wait 30 minutes and see, and here I am. I'm not gonna take any, not today.
I hope this sadness and depression is still related to my dependence, and that I will get through it. I also quit vaping 2 weeks ago and am 100% nicotine free l, so that might be playing a role too. Anyway typing this out has helped the craving pass. I'm not opening the cabinet (or going to the vape store), not today.