Emotional loneliness
Hey,
I've never written here before. But today I thought I'd make an exception to the rule.
I'm a male in my mid-20s. All my life I've felt more or less lonely. And even though I like doing things alone and I need time to spend with myself, I do feel lonely which causes its own struggles. Loneliness leads to anxiety leads to depression in my case. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes more anxious. Even though I was without friends most of my childhood, I did make a few friends in my teenage years.
Last summer I graduated from the university. I've been trying to find a job for over half a year now but the work market situation here is really dire, even outside my field. I haven't been invited to a work interview even once... That makes me feel bad and the financial insecurity is also stressful, even though our welfare systems are better than in many other places.
Anyways, that's not really what I wanted to talk about today, even though it is related. I have for years now felt emotionally lonely. I'm longing for someone I could talk openly about, someone who would love to spend time with me on a regular basis. Granted I have a few friends but we meet in person once every blue moon. And more importantly, they're not the kind I can be totally vulnerable with, the kind to explore the depths of our minds together. They're the kind of tolerate me because they see the good in me but not necessarily the kind of people who understand me. Don't get me wrong, I still appreciate them and value them. But I don't have a deep connection with any of my friends anymore.
I wanted to change that, try and find someone who I might click with. Since I don't really have any social life where I would meet people anymore, I joined a couple of dating apps some time ago. I have never been a social media type of person, I do not like sharing pictures of me etc. Maybe part of that comes from me being overweight and a bit insecure after being bullied the most of my childhood.
Anyways, I never liked the concept of dating apps since those are mostly superficial and not everyone is looking for a committed relationship like I am. But I wanted to go out of my comfort zone, to give it a chance. Especially because my days are just staying at home this point and trying to find something to pass time with. I'd rather spend at least some of that time with someone, maybe find a person I could truly love and be loved back.
I honestly just want to find that one person who would understand me and accept me with my flaws. So far I have only gotten one like and no matches... I shouldn't base my value on that but it does make me question myself. I wasn't able to find anyone during my 6 years of study in the university, or if I did, I completely missed the cues. I know I'm not really attractive to the majority of the people and that's okay. But it's also not helping me feel less lonely.
I also have a couple of friends online I've known over a decade. You know, the kind that you could talk honestly with, openly and for hours at a time. But I fear we grew apart - they have work and relationships, so they rarely have time like there used to have. That's okay too. But I do feel like I stand out in all my social circles - no job, no relationship.
I don't even know what is the point of writing this. Maybe I just wanted to open up. My life is so mechanical right now - waking up, trying to find something to do, eating and sleeping. Almost every day feels the same.
I really wish my life wasn't like this. I really wish I had someone. I really wish someone understood me. I just want to be happy, and loved.
Thanks for reading 🥹