u/Forward-Year8511

I’m talking about my story as this is the first time I’m coming to terms with it. I first wanted to started off by talking about the first time I got raped. Probably when I was 7-8. This was by a girl who was 9 or 10. Her mother and my sister were really close friends and me and her were really close friends (she went to my school). One day her mother invited me and my sister to come to their house. I was super excited because I was going to see my friend and maybe play with toys and games. We were sitting in her room and her little brother was there playing Lego. She told her brother to leave and I thought hmm why. I remember she has a grey bed frame bunk bed and we went to the top. We was just laughing and giggling just having fun. And then she told me to take my trousers off I thought why. But so I did. She said if you don’t let me go down there I’m gonna tell the whole school you let me do it. I was sexually coerced into her doing things to me. Mid way her mum came in and asked for her. She did a shush motion and mimed and said I should say she’s sleeping so I did. I was hoping her mum would stay and “wake her up” but the mum ended up leaving I was so scared. As she continued raping me I stared at the LEGO’s her brother had left before he was kicked out of the room. It was a bright day but such a dark room. I think it was kind of representative to how I was feeling. After it was done I felt dirty and my sister asked me how was I and asked if I had fun. I didn’t know whether to lie or tell the truth so I lied. Because I didn’t want her to tell the whole school. I was just a child. After that she bullied me until she left the school. She lived two minutes away from me. I was so scared to see her. She had beady eyes and I never forgotten them. Whenever I think about it I feel shaken up. I’m 22 now.

My ex was abusive (she spat juice in my face then acted victim afterwards and punched me in my eye in public) and for months she would tell me that why don’t I touch her why don’t I intiate sex.I told her that because of my past rape as a child I was scared of touching others. One night whilst I was half sleep she knew I was drifting off she took my hand and rubbed her nipples I was in so much shock but I fawned and decided to try to please her back when she was half asleep too this was like 30 mins later. After we both woke up she said she felt uncomfortable I had did that. I immediately knew that it was off and I shouldn’t have did that so I took accountability and started crying at the fact that I may have hurt her. But now looking back at it she did it to me. Ever since then I’ve felt super guilty and let my present partner know this is what has happened. And it’s never happened again. To the point I’ve been reclusive. But now I’m thinking about it I’ve been coerced and saed by this partner my brain just suppressed it. What does that make me and what does that make her?

I’m dating someone who consistently bites their nails I can’t stand the sight of it and seeing nails on the floor it makes my skin crawl and I thought I was being overdramatic. She’s neurodivergent herself and I understand that she bites nails as a way to comfort herself. I totally get that it’s the same way with me picking my skin sometimes. However I’ve said to her multiple times at least do it quietly. I’ve tried to put on headphones but even any movement that indicates that she might do that makes me extremely distressed. I feel terrible as I know this has been her comfort since she was young. I don’t know what to do. She’s an amazing person. How do I manage this?