u/Foreign_Zebra_7091

I’m not diagnosed but have written a few posts in here as I relate to a lot of you. I am often dissociated to a point where I don’t feel anything but know underneath is a storm. When I do try to sit with myself I often get to a point where I feel so much it’s destabilising and sends me into what feels like panic and sometimes feel like I’m gonna have a break of some sort. I then go back to dissociating again.

It’s like my mind can not digest so much contradiction. I’m unable to bridge the gap between true and ‘false self’ states. I believe integration is the goal here but I see no way this is possible tbh. I am triggered almost constantly by things, the way I interpret someone’s facial expressions, things they say which can be minor sends me into a collapsed panic about who I am. I feel like I’m going to
Be ‘found out’ by everyone I talk to. So draining.

I do have an adult voice, and sturdy voice. But it’s so overpowered by my emotional state in the moment. I’ve heard the term window of tolerance a lot and mine seems to be very low. My concentration levels are laughable and I often barely function tbh, feels like brain damage, I’m forgetful, completely disorganised in my thinking, seems to be no links in thought processes which Im pretty sure is indicating I’m operating at a psychotic level of functioning which is worrying. I’ve been to therapy but I am somewhat coherent in my thinking when I discuss how I feel, so they don’t seem to think anything’s that serious, but it feels like it is. it’s just internally I am so fragmented.

It’s like I’m able to conceptualise exactly what’s going on inside myself, but I’m saying it from a detached perspective. There’s no insight. My brain won’t allow insight it seems I keep going round in circles. I guess I just feel really fucking alone again and am looking for people who can relate. And if anyone who does resonate with this to share what has/ can help. Resources, practices, therapies etc.

I have watched every video on heal NPD’s YouTube so maybe something other than that, although I know it’s a valuable resource.